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2009-10-19, 9:37 p.m.

I'm so awakeeeeeee. Hahahaha, slept from 6 plus to half past 7. Ohwell :D supposed to go play badminton with them tmr at 9. Hopefully I can get up in time :/

Went to cycle with Dad yday! We're going next week too! At Bishan Park :D Ultimately cooool :P haven't cycled together in such a long time! Halfway cycling, there was this small kid. Shouldn't even be 6. His mum was next to him holding on to him and his bike. I heard him say "你不要拉啦!" to his mum &　his mum replied　＂如果我不拉你，你会跌倒啦！" & woah, in that instant, countless emotions flowed in me.

I was thinking back, probably, if I ever had a chance like that. Maybe not with cycling. I remember how I learnt it. Back in bukit with the mini slope at the front gate, I'd go down & then slowly gain my balance, then pedal from there. Not that anyone really cared. Lol. I think I took two to three days? After breakfast, learn. Break for lunch, learn. For the entire afternoon, learn. I'd then stop for the day after dinner. That took me three days. & Sapph took less than one minute. It was.. instinctive for her. Something that obviously didn't exist in me.

But yeah anw, I was thinking if I ever said or thought that. Sounded very familiar, somehow. It was something that stung at the back of my mind, as if I regretted saying that. I probably said that once, twice, maybe more than that, to my mum. & it really stings. In the past, whatever you did, you knew your daddy & mummy would be there to shelter you from everything. If it rained, they'd open the umbrella and shelter you. If homework wasn't completed in time, they'd bear with my snappiness for the night. They wouldn't prevent me from falling, but they'd be there to help me up if I ever did. I remember being late once this year, first day of Term 2. I got up & I was totally freaked out. I think it was 8.45am. My dad said it was fine, it's not as if you do this everyday and he helped me write a letter. While getting ready in my room, I overheard my mum tell him to crap some excuse for my being late. & he said "I'm not going to lie." When I heard that, I was quite.. Well, disappointed? I mean, I wanted a clean record, lol >< but maybe it was because of this stringent upbringing that made me who I am today. As far as I know, if I didn't have my dad to really keep an eye on me, to be strict when he needed to, I would be hopeless by today. Lol.

Oh yes, I asked him if he wished to grow up in an instant when he was young & he replied "Of course!" I suppose that's what every kid will wish, haha, only to find that the prospect of growing up doesn't seem so inviting when you actually do grow up.

I actually kinda miss my parents' protection >< for instance, teaching me how to walk and stuff [not that I remember, but I think they taught me?] Well, I don't have much pictures to refer back to, lol. I only have one album which consists of my life from age one to three? Maybe five. Hahaha, unlike Sapph. She has one full album for every year of growing up. Hahaha. But yeah, now that I'm half-independent, it does feel good knowing that my parents don't have to interfere in everything, but it has its flaws. I used to share all my achievements in nursery or kindergarten with them, but now, maybe only half. It just doesn't seem so.. Yknow. Same.

& I feel that I'm drifting further and further away from my mother. Even if we're both at home, it's possible for us not to speak more than ten sentences for the entire day. In the car, we have absolutely nothing to talk about. Unlike with Sapph, she talks about what's going on in the factory, what's happening in the family etc. Sometimes I feel envious of Sapph. It's like, common topics to talk about with my mum, whereas it's complete silence between the both of us in the car. But again, my mum depends more heavily on her with everything. I feel quite relieved that I'm not burdened by what she needs Sapph to do.

Soemtimes parents do things the wrong way. They don't understand how to convey their love for their children in a way whereby their kids can understand. But the fact remains that only your parents will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life regardless of your impertinence towards them. To them, your insolence will reflect on their teaching and basically, we don't get any blame. Parents, you see, "什么都可以赌，就是不可以拿自己的孩子来赌。" My dad makes plenty of sense most of the time, & this is probably something that I won't forget. When they refuse to permit us to do something, it's because they are worried that we will get hurt. But they too, know that they cannot do it for life. They have to let us go someday and learn the hard way. As much as possible, my dad always tells us he doesn't want us to learn things the hard way and that he wants to impart the lessons that he'd learnt the hard way. But yknow, kids being kids, sometimes we just have to do the opposite of what our parents want us to do. Lol ><

Thinking back, there were probably more than a thousand times where I had pierced my mum's heart with an arrow. Same for my dad. I don't know why, but really, I cannot stand the way my mum talks sometimes. Nevertheless, I know what I'll be if she leaves me one day- Helpless, abandoned, scared. A completely lost kid who won't even dare to shout for her mum because she'll be afraid of the echo of her voice that replies instead of her mum's assuring voice. I don't dare imagine what'll happen if my mum leaves me one day. For real, never to return again.

Yes, this is life. My dad & I were talking about it last night, regarding my grandparents. Mentioned bringing them overseas more before they breathe their last, which can be anytime soon. Sigh, people enter and leave our lives. But some's footsteps just never disappear no matter how much time has elapsed. It can be friends, it can be loved ones. They just don't go away.

I was reading through my inbox this morning cus I was gonna delete my msgs for the month. Was reading Saved Messages to see which ones could be deleted & I saw one from Lihmaan which said :

"True friends are not about being inseparable. It's about being separated and nothing changes."

Yeah I think those are the exact words. I didn't remember anything about that sms at all when I read it. But I think it's gonna stick in my head for a long time now. Just hit me, yknow, maybe cus we haven't been exactly. Talking, yeah. Everything's changed now though, probably.

Aye anw, here's a paragraph to my mummy :)

亲爱的妈妈，
知道有时对你很不礼貌，我很对不起。因为学校压力有时候真的很大，我也不知道要往哪里释放，所以会不自觉地对你发泄。因为不能对你们说，也不想麻烦我的朋友，所以我会憋在心里憋很久。我也很清楚我的话会让你很伤心，可是有时会很气地说出来。气话是一时冲动的话，希望妈妈原谅我。你很疼我了，我也知道不可以跟姐姐比。再怎么说，她是你们的第一个孩子，待遇难免会有些差距。不过我希望对你来说，如果我们站在一起，你不会只看到她，而把我当透明的。因为如果是这样的话，我真的觉得这十五年都是白活的了。
最后，妈妈，我很爱很爱你，打从心里也希望你很爱很爱我 :)

To my most wonderful dad:
You couldn't teach me more. You may not have the best temper, but you definitely fit the bill for the best father who knows his daughter. I have learnt so so much from you, daddy! In every aspect, you never fail to let me know a little bit more. I have learnt what it means to ignore the ignorant yet respect everyone. Honestly, I feel small whenever I stand next to you. You are so so experienced & you understand my emotions. Almost like a mother, yknow when I need a comforting hug & when I need to be left alone. Your support is my motivation to excel in my academics. It's because of you, dad, which is why I am more determined to do better and surpass my limits. You have shown through example that limits are there to be broken again and again. I will try my best not to let you down, because my achievements will be your pride as well. As it is, "I have an excellent father. His strength is making me stronger." Thanks dad, you've shaped my character into one like yours- Passionate when doing something I like, serious when I have to, true to myself when mixing with people. Thanks :) ily!

Long post, time to stop :) will probably go piece my jigsaw or something. Hahaha :D

For the millionth time this year, I really wish I could turn time back. Maybe ten years ago, I'd have treasured my mum's love more. Maybe five years back, I'd have learnt that my dad's love for me was more than a lecture for failing Math. Maybe if one day technology gets advanced enough, we could live, & then turn time back, reliving our lives with many meaningful experiences :)

Muchloves,
Yihui ♥♥

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