2010-11-19, 8:42 p.m.

Okay I have. Many things to post.

So. Life hasn't been easy. To think it's the holidays, the holidays I anticipated so much. I was at Swee's house when dad and mom quarrelled. Miracle or disaster? According to Sapph, she came home when dad was at the dining table and mom was in the living room and the atmosphere was just. Tense. So she tried to mediate but obviously the problem didn't get solved. So things are still like that. Which is quite bad apparently. Sapph said mom's eyes looked red.

I cannot remember when my mother cried. I only remember it was a very very long time ago. I remember it was their room. & the door was closed. I remember how we stood outside and eavesdropped. How the us at that time were unable to do anything. Maybe I'm still like that but Sapph certainly isn't. She has learnt how to reason and judge for herself. I remember we were in the room and I was crying uncontrollably. Sapph had her arm over my shoulder but she was sobbing violently too. I remember she shouted "不要吵了!" but I cannot remember if my parents stopped fighting because of what she said. I think it was only then they realised that we were watching them. & I remember the one thing my mom said. "我也不要跟他吵." & then she walked out.

But recently, there's been much underlying tension in this family. Dad left for KL today. To take a break, or so he says. I think deep inside, we all know he just feels awkward and wants to take a breather. From my mom. Maybe from us too. That time it was mom leaving for bukit. Now it's him leaving for KL. I wonder if it'll be Sapph or I leaving the next time. This was one of the reasons I wanted to study abroad.

I'm at such a loss. After so many years, I don't feel that I've grown at all. I still cry when it comes to the smallest issues. When Sapph bullies me, when my dad scolds me, when my mom looks down on me, when I fall down. The smallest things, really. But I still cry. I still screw whatever I do up. That hasn't changed as well. Sapph on the other hand, seems to have grown so much. She's no longer the sister whom my parents have to look after as well when we go overseas. Once upon a time, they took care of us. When we stayed in hotels, we'd each stay with one parent. But now, I share a room with Sapph and my parents share one room. Sapph still babysits me though. She tells me what to pack and I pack. She repacks on our last day for every trip because I can never seem to get the suitcase to close on me. These are the little ways she's grown, I guess. The more obvious ones will be her dating people. Once upon a time, I couldn't accept that as well. But I guess I grew out of that phase.

Prom's on Monday. It's the day we officially graduate from Sn. The next time I visit Sn, it'll be as an old girl, no longer a student. Amazing how time flies. 10 years in stnicks. Wow. I'll be yet entering another phase of my life. Quite sad actually.

Dad's birthday's also on Monday. I won't be here to celebrate with him. Don't even know whether he's coming back on Monday or not. But I got his birthday present when I went out with Swee and co. He's never spent much on himself. His wallet and belt cost 192. He wouldn't buy them even if he saw them. He's this thrifty.

I was watching this movie called 10 promises to my dog. Jap movie, not bad. Socks is so cute! I cried badly at the last part, when it died. & suddenly when I saw the bridesmaid with the bride, I thought about Sapph & I. I'll probably cry like mad. All my life, the sister who grew up with me, took care of me, will marry someone else. I also asked her today. That if dad and mom filed for divorce now, will they be able to fight for her custody? Or will she be a free adult. She saw through my thoughts and asked me "You want me to fight for your custody with them is it." and we both started laughing. Hahahaha.

It's been a tough year. We're entering late November. Sigh. It feels like ages since Os ended. But Os only ended on Monday, this week. Time loves to play tricks on us.

Back to watching dramas, I guess. Personal taste was good! Not in my top 5 but I might rewatch! The osts are fab too. He's wayyy sweet <3 there needs to be a guy like this. Plus good looking :)

OHYES, I nearly forgot to mention! I was cringing in pain yday. Badly. Maybe cus I wasn't getting enough sleep the past few days. I think the past few days added tgt, I didn't get more than 12h of sleep. But I slept for a full 12 hours today. Maybe 11. So I felt good. Hopefully my stomach won't give me anymore problems. The only organ that gives me problems is my stomach. I wish they'd share the pain. Maybe a headache sometimes. Stomach pain is just. Unbearable.

Kkay, time to sign off. It's been a long post :)

Yihui <3

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