2009-05-23, 11:12 p.m.

Ohgosh, finally. FINALLLLLY. A time to post. I'm going to take hours to post this.

Okay. Been kinda a hectic period for me. What with after-camp tests & stuff.. Plus Friday Fever coming on. I still can't believe we got picked! I mean, okay we didn't exactly suck, but I didn't think we were good enough to get selected. Gosh -.-!

Was wondering for damn long what to post.. lol. Daddy & I were in the car today, talking about lots of stuff. I feel as if I learn loads whenever I finish talking to my dad. It's really awesome (: we were talking about manymany things, but I do remember us talking about defections. What do you do when the kid in your womb has something developing abnormally? Be it the brain or the limbs, what do you do? Abort it? Or keep it, since it's "God's will"? The point is, you can have the intention to bring it up, regardless of the difficulties that lie ahead. But what happens when you're gone? Is it really best to keep the child? I hope I'll never have to face a dilema like this. & I honestly thank whoever who made me who I am now-A whole being, a girl with not much brains but with at least some intelligence in her small head & blessed with wonderful parents (:

I was just flipping the photo albums the other day too. I knew that Sapph had more baby albums than me, but I didn't know that she had 7 while I had only 1. I asked my parents the other day about it, & as usual my mum gave me a very crappy reply. But my dad actually explained to me :

"When we had your sister, she was everything to us. Whatever she did, every few minutes, we would take out the camera to take any photo. We only planned to have her, & she was the oldest on both your Mummy & your Daddy's side, so everyone treated her as the little princess. But by the time you were born, there was Liying, Ahbao, Ahjie, Sha. Everyone was busy taking care of their own kids alr. So.. you don't expect much.." & that was it.

So I asked, why is she named Sapphire & why am I named Serena? Why wasn't I named a gem?

"You see, your sister was named Sapphire because I was watching a show & it was about a treasure hunt. They were looking for this gem called Sapphire & then I was thinking, this is a perfect name. It's unusual, for one, & it symbolised what she meant to me : A precious gem which was very important. But when I first held you in my arms, you looked so serene. It was as if you've made your peace with the world. As if telling us 'Do what you want to. Leave me alone. Shoo.' Which is why I wanted to call you Serene, but because of our surname, I had to change it to Serena."

Yeah. That was all I got. Which set me thinking : Actually, I was born for the sake of my sister. Truth be told simply, I came into this world because I was supposed to keep her company. It shows in whatever we do. Baby albums, treatment-wise from relatives.. It's never the same. My grandma has never said Happy Birthday to me before. Never. It's always Xuanfang, Xuanfang, Xuanfang. It's not as if their birthdays are very close, but she remembers Sapph's. She probably doesn't even know when's mine. Since the day I was born, I've never remembered her giving me an Angpao, telling me to behave myself & stuff. Same for my Aunt & Mama. I might get a birthday greeting from my aunt, but definitely not my Mama. Sigh, since the day I entered this world, my life has never been fair. Maybe that's why I learnt how not to be too mindful of how others act towards me. Many can ask me "How can you stand her?!" when I find that there's nothing wrong with her. Or maybe it was so unconscious, I slowly learnt that nothing in the world's fair. Nothing.

I can't believe I rambled on so much about my family. Okay next. Can't believe I cried while posting that paragraph. Rahhh.

There's Friday Fever coming on.. Ld play.. & so many other stuff. I'm so glad I decided to give up cheer & NDP dance. Afer trying today, I know I definitely won't regret cus I know I won't have the committment. Same for cheer. It's going to be so time-consuming, I don't think I'll be able to handle it. Besides all the glossy outfits, there's the sweat behind the glamorous routines too. I might really feel sad when I watch Sports Day itself, but okay, I know I'll get over it. I definitely will.

Sometimes I can't stand Cheryl. I know it's mean, it's really awful, but I just can't stand it anymore. Before I flare up at her in school or something, I need to just chuck my feelings here. I think she's very irresponsible. Uncooperative. Basically, a fucking asshole who can't think of anyone else but herself. I actually talked about her with Yvette last weekend since we were at Swee's house. & it was quite interesting, how we got to know Cheryl more & more. I always thought Cheryl was a very perfect, all-rounded person. Well, turns out that she's not quite the ideal leader I pictured her to be. Yvette said she's selfish, & I agree. & Cheryl does things on her own free will. She doesn't care about the rest, she'll just get on with it. & I certainly don't expect that from a leader. & somehow, maybe it's just me. I expected her to help with everything. Like, the steps & stuff. I don't know. It's mixed feelings. I get to know more about her everyday & I'm hating what I see in her right now. A bitch & nothing else. I don't want to see that. It's so mean, I feel like an ass. But I'm feeling so bottled up :/ I don't know, she just doesn't take any initiative to help or anything. Which makes it all the more worse. I'm very very pissed. By her. Her sense of irresponsibilty & numbness to feel. It's annoying me, & I sincerely wish that I'll be able to accept her for who she is & look beyond her shortcomings. I know we all have ours, & I'll try not to burst in front of her too.

Somehow it feels as if I have loads to do. But I know I don't. I only have a A-Math paper & Chem test this week. I don't have anything else. I'm missing all my extended lessons since I'll be gone for the first week of June holidays. The stress level seems to be quite high, but I don't know the reason :/ I reckon Dad's right. I need to take a break. I'm over-stressing myself. Last week, I had only one test. I definitely had ample time to study for it, but it felt as if I was permanently tired. Whenever I opened my SS book, I'll feel the fatigue. Maybe I didn't pace myself well for the second last round. I sprinted the previous rounds & didn't have enough time to replenish my glucose level. I swear I'll be ready by the last round, & finish the second race off with a sprint (: but it just shows that we all need a break. No point working so hard when you tire yourself out more easily. Pace yourself well, & everything'll work itself out. Girlgirl overworked herself alr :/ she was absent on Friday. Guess she's better alr (:

There're many more things. Sometimes I really just want to give up. Honestly. It doesn't feel as if anyone's encouraging me. Everyone's busy with their own matters, noone has time for anyone now. It really sucks. & yes, I'm constantly trying to convince myself that I'm not alone, but somehow it just doesn't work. Life now sucks. I don't want to imagine what'll happen when I grow up. Time's passing too quickly, way too quickly.

I was wondering, in the last couple of weeks, if Time actually feels tired? I mean, it has to be moving forward consistently without any tinge of hesitation. BC, then AD. Now the 21st century. Through all these, Time has never taken a break. How exactly, does Time do it? Is Time cruel? When so many people wish so deeply that Time'd stop just for a while, it never does. Does it hear our cries of despair? I don't know. But I do know that even if it does, it can't stop. Which means that Time actually has a great sense of responsibilty. Does it actually know how much it's anxiety it's causing for many people? Every morning, when we have to wake up by the call of the alarm, it's because Time has passed so quickly & reached 6.10am. Again, it races with noone & reaches 2pm in the blink of an eye. School's over & it's time for revision. Then night falls, & it's Time telling us to go to bed & take a break. Hahaha, Time's amazing (: & it has multiple entities. Some of them are in the day now, some are in the night, like the one I'm reading right now (:

Received this very sweet email from my cousin (: telling me to take things easy & cheer up with this wonderful melody. I've been listening to it as I post. Hahaha (: it's amazing how much music can do for us. OH! I have to talk about this. We were so depressed after NDP rehearsal today & so we marched to McCafe to buy a flavour burst each. Nicole decided to get a ChocoCone & the guy serving us gave her this very tall ChocoCone. & made all of us laugh cus he was biased to the both of them. Hahaha (: he totally made our day. Isn't it fascinating, what one ice cream cone & an ordinary guy can make your day? Hahaha! (:

Okayyyy, long post? Not very o.o I expected longer, but I have to go and sleep now, otherwise I won't be able to revise tmr. I have loads to do! Study Chem & revise Math! (: I can do it, I definitely can. Only four more schooldays to Freedom for a MONTH! Wheeeeee :D Okay! Jubilate was a great success yday, by the way! (: totally :D

Right, nights everyone (: hope you guys had an awesome day out there <3

Yihui ♥♥

P.S. I can't tell you stuff because, somehow, it feels as if you don't care. Don't get me wrong, it's not that you're not concerned, maybe.. it's just me ^^

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