2009-10-28, 10:42 p.m.

Today was totally emo for some of us. Blahzxz. So much for the Day of Reflection. It just started people on tearing and sobbing and wailing. But maybe it was a good thing (?), some were able to let out the frustration bottled in them for quite awhile :)

Father Simon mentioned how we should spend more time with our parents. How sometimes they don't express their love for us in a way we can comprehend. But honestly, my mum? Sometimes, I doubt if she's really my mum. I thought all fairytales read "Parents would be proud of their children if they grew up to be someone who was able to help others." & what did my mum say when she asked what does getting Service with Distinction Award signify? She said I was a busybody and I couldn't mind my own business. Seriously, I mean okay I kinda expected that. Which is why I wasn't sure if I should've shown my dad the form. But now I'm completely sure. I'm never showing my parents this sort of thing ever again. Besides my dad who appreciates my efforts, I don't need such comments to further dampen my low spirits.

I was tearing when Father Simon said something about our parents thing and something about our grandparents. The parents part was seriously ._. It's such a sensitive topic :/ I certainly don't think I'm one of those who are pitiful and deserve sympathy. I merely question the identity and responsibility of my mother who has never acted like one in my eyes. Never has she once acknowledged my achievements and offered a word of praise. She doesn't know how tough it is and I have no intentions of explaining it to her. So be it if she insists on doing it like that. I'm far too tired to argue with her now. As long as I'm dissatisfied with her, I walk off and so in a way, our relationship isn't strained, but slowly and definitely, the distance between us is getting further and further away. That's my mother for you. My dad, on the other hand, acts like my mum who has always been here for me. It's possible for me to at least talk to him. It's simply out of the question to try and talk to my mum about my troubles in school. Firstly, she doesn't listen. Secondly, she doesn't bother. Thirdly, she doesn't wanna know anything at all. She's only concerned with her own stuff. Even when I try to talk to her during dinners, it ends up unsuccessful. I try to keep my face straight but it's difficult. I get disheartened, disappointed and then I just stop trying after awhile. That was when I realised I couldn't depend on my mum to take some load off my shoulder. Maybe it's good, it trains me to be independent. But it also makes me wonder why others' mums can do that and why mine can't. Sigh, I'm never going to let my child in future be like me.

& my mum probably doesn't know the reason why I wanna help my classmates and friends so much. It's cus I don't want them to experience the helplessness I felt when I had noone to rely on. Without my family, I didn't have friends and I had to learn from my lessons by myself without any support. It was difficult and their parents, like you, don't really give a shit. So as much as I can, I want to give them as much help as possible.

Sigh, talking to Kim last week did make me realise how lucky I was. I mean, at least I do have a family. But again, what's the point of having a family when it doesn't even feel like one. I thought a family was supposed to be heaven, a paradise. Well, obviously not. But ohwell, I should be happy that I at least have my dad. Lol.

I'm super tired. Wanna sleep alr >< & I cried so much when I was watching 'A Walk to Remember'. It was so touching! Suju <33 I didn't know they spent such a long time training! Honestly, they're the bombbbb <3

Ayyeeeee, Maan cried today too ): I really wanted to stay by her side, but Moks was crying really badly. Like total breakdown. So I went to her. At that moment where I took my hand out of hers, I don't know if she wanted me to stay, but I really did. Oh well. It's over anw. She wouldn't say so even if she wanted me to, lol.

Gah, I'm really tired. Nights.

Yihui <3

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