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2010-01-11, 6:57 p.m.

It's the beginning of second week.. How fast.

Release of O level results today. We produced Singapore's top student again- Kairou. Hahaha, so unexpected. 11 A1s, despite being in Huahui's exco and Council Op. Amazing things people can do. But sometimes I really question myself.

I saw Lihmaan cry today on the first level. I was on the third. Esther was next to her, but the stupid me still went to look for her. Honestly how idiotic can I get. Only after I sat down did I realise how extra I was. & omg I wished I'd never placed my freaking ass on that spot next to her. It felt so dumb please. & I wasn't even doing anything. Freak. She got her distinction but she cried. Cus of alot of things. Like things which she wasn't able to tell me or others. Omfg I really feel like cursing at myself. Haha, it's so fucking ironic cus in nearly every letter I write, I tell her I'm always available for her to confide in. Similarly if I feel really tired one day, I'll look for her and noone else. But okay, whatever. I don't care anymore. If that's the case, then so be it. Maybe she should stop taking such a big part out of my friendship percentage. I feel so dumb. God, why the fuck is the world so fucking unfair.

& I have no idea why I started crying after I read Miss P's msg yday. I don't think it was because I missed her, it was more like a kind of pain that stung which couldn't be told to anyone that's been collecting for quite awhile. Again, it's un-understandable cus the year just started, so it doesn't make sense. & exactly who I can depend on when I'm really tired, I have no idea cus everyone's going through the same crap. I'm feeling so troubled when it's only the first week. WHY~ Sigh.

Listening to 是非题 after a very long time. Fanfan jie's voice soothes my emotions. Sigh, at this point in time. Why isn't suju helping at all ):

So much stuff to do tonight. Lets see.

Mining for Meaning Homework- Pg 1-11, due tmr. Find out meanings of words we don't know from discursive notes and write notes. I have to redo my Eye Essay questions and hand it in by tmr. Yeah that's it. Not to mention that I have to practise my trigo cus it sucks shit and I'll take practically forever. & if Miss Rockey wants her Binomial Theorem assignment by tmr, that's one more worksheet that'll take me a century to do -.- I honestly hate my brains. Why am I so dumb.

Fuck, the world feels like it's collapsing. Onto me and me alone.

I really don't understand why I feel as if my existence is so not needed. Maybe it's cus that's really how it is. I still remember how I was all alone on last Monday for recess. It reminded me of Primary school. Damn. After so many years, I felt like a pathetic loser again. I honestly don't understand why people think I'm very strong. I'm just a weak loser who can't take setbacks. Sigh.

I'm off to do work. Otherwise there'll be no sleep for me tonight.

Yihui

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