Once again, I feel so redundant.
Even though I try hard to tell myself that I've gotta be strong cus my classmates need me, my friends, my juniors need me, a voice somewhere deep within me rings occasionally and says "You are not needed in this world. Your family doesn't need you, your friends and your teachers don't need you. You should just vanish." & yes, I have had suicidal thoughts before, I guess. Quite idiotic but it gets quite hard when life is lonely. Although I'm surrounded by people everyday, I feel lonely. But there is noone who can understand, which is quite sad ): lol.
Maan said I treat her differently from my other friends. Do I? Even if I do, I think it's subconscious. She said it's awkward, and I agree. She said she doesn't know how to explain it to me, but I don't need her explanation. I understand, but if only she could tell this to me earlier. Everytime I feel like a nuisance. I feel really redundant. Whenever she's in a pinch, she has her faithful classmates. I'm always seeing either Cheryl or Xiangying with her. Even when she's alone, she's not exactly alone. Sigh, but without her, I think I am nothing. Really, it's her who's giving me the motivation to keep smiling everyday cus I know she's trying her best too. Sigh, when life gets depressing, or when everything falls apart, tell me what do I do cus I can't turn to you anymore.
I still have.. Three chapters of Chem to study. & I don't think I'm going to start now. Maybe 3am. Yeah, I need to wake up, seriously. I will force, I will I will I will, I definitely will force myself to get up and STUDY. If Maan can do it, so can I. Yepp.
Tell me what do you do when it all falls apart.
Ohyes track meet today. Finals, it got pretty exciting towards the end. I cried when I saw Windy run, I have no idea why! Maybe it was the stress accumulated in me. Haha but I was sooo super proud of her. Despite her injuries and everything, she picked herself up and ran that 400m. & cus she trained veryyy hard? I don't know but I just felt very very touched when I saw her run that one round! Really really really very proud of her, my Feng'er :D Thank god she called my name when I was leaving! I was looking for her before I left but I couldn't find her (cus she was changing in the toilet) so I was leaving alr but she saw me and called my name. Wahhh I ran and hugggged her and started crying, LOL. I told her I was so so so touched and proud of her. Yes basically everything that I've written up there. She's awesomeeee man, rock on! *& kudos to the last runner too! Feng'er said she was hardly able to breathe alr but she still gave it her best. Wooots, sntrack ftw <3 (this is kinda why I wished I'd joined track. Quoting Hilly, you train, win, lose, sweat together. Everything is together.)
Maan didn't perform as expected on Monday. I think it's her mental barrier >< she said she daoed me that day in class cus she didn't want to cry with Hsin Inn still in class. I feel so bad. I didn't understand her feelings and I thought she found me a nuisance >< how stupid can a person get? She looked pretty down today >< I wish I could cry with her ):
Enough of depressing! After posting everything here, TMR WILL BE A BETTER DAY. I WILL SMILEEEEEE (: Nothing's too difficult, everything can be conquered. Yes, that's right. I need to keep this attitude up. Wheeeesh! Bedtime! 4h of sleep tonight, Yihui jiayou~!
May everyone feel warmth and love no matter where they are :) Everyone is loved!
Am I missing Mom? I don't think so.