2010-04-19, 8:10 p.m.

Ohmy, today's the first day of Week 5. How depressing ><

But on a happier note, SUPER JUNIOR'S COMEBACK AND FOURTH ALBUM HAS BEEN CONFIRMED!! Omg happy happy happy happy (: have mood to study alr! Cus they're working hard in korea right now, so I have to do my best too!

On a scarier note, how does Donghae always give his best for everything >< it's very inspiring but it's so tough! He's like a role model, so is Leeteuk. & actually every Super Junior member <3 isn't this exactly the reason why I adore them ♥ Sigh I must make sure I do damn well for Os, otherwise I can kiss goodbye to my sponsored ticket for Super Show III alr ): though I know my parents'll still sponsor me, I'll feel very bad. Hahahha :D so yep, I WILL DO WELL FOR Os. IMMA START PLANNING MY SCHEDULE AND WHAT I HAVE TO DO EVERYDAY! :D

Anw actually I was thinking loads about my mom a few days ago. Maybe cus she asked me to pack clothes for her and Sapph. They're going to Sabah -.- yeah whatever. I can't be bothered anymore (though I was abit pissed when I heard that they were going without me -.-) It's like always like that. Ugh whatever. I bet they wouldn't go if it was Sapph who was schooling. Sheesh. Like they ever do anything without her. They only do things without me -.- anw it occurred to me just a few days ago that my mom never existed in my childhood memories. I don't have any recollection of her spending time with me in nursery, kindergarten, primary school. Maybe more in primary school cus Auntie Beatrez left in 2002. But yeah other than that, never.

In nursery, it was Auntie Beatrez who sent me to PAP. I still remember telling her to stay outside for three hours (I had to stay in PAP from 8am to 11am). After a week, I think, she came up with a clever lie and I let her go home. She said the police'd catch her if she continued staying outside. I got anxious and I told her then go home. At 11, I didn't see anyone. I remember crying like shit. I cried and I cried and I cried but it wasn't my mom who came in the end.

Then in primary school, whenever I was sick and had to go home early, she'd get my kak to pick me up. Sometimes when my dad was up and picked up the phone, he'll come pick me up personally. But my mom never came once for me, never.

Even in Secondary one, I will always remember that day. It was during the Sec one orientation camp. My stomach screwed up during the talent discovery part. I felt very unwell so I went to Susie. I told her it was cramps cus I didn't know what it was & I'll always remember what she said "You want me to check?" There was zero sympathy from her but yeah I guess it was understandable. So fine, I carried on. I don't know when I couldn't take it anymore but I remember Xinlei (was that her name?) carrying me to the lower concourse from the family lounge. They said I should go home, so I called the house. I remember mom picking up the phone, I remember the pain I was in but I can't remember if I expressed it over the phone. Maybe not, that's why she sent Kak to come over. She freaking didn't want to come even when I was like dying of pain. I remember throwing up even when there was nothing in my stomach. All I was throwing up were more gastric juices and fluid. It was gross. It was Titin at that time, I remember. It was really bad. I couldn't even walk properly cus my legs were too weak. It got so bad I couldn't even go home, Mrs Sng had to send me straight to the doctor. Even when she called my mom, my mom didn't seem particularly interested and said something like "Huh it's so serious ah." Fine. She even took her time, bathed first then go over to the doctor. When I was literally dying of pain. When we went to the doctor, everyone let me go first. That was how serious it was. I waited for less than two minutes and the doctor let me in. Within a minute he prepared the jab and I remember that jab really hurt. It was a painful memory >< It was only after the jab did my mom arrive. Like half an hour later -.- bloody hell. Seriously.

& then last year. 22nd December. Or 21st, I can't remember. I drank like half the bottle of Martell at Derrick korkor's wedding and I didn't eat enough, so it ate into my intestines and I had a serious hangover. I thought I'd be fine by the next day but it continued. All the way from his wedding to the swallows' house to dinner to home, I felt bad. I threw up over ten times. I felt fine actually in the night but the feeling came back the next morning. The morning on that day we were supposed to fly. I cursed after I puked. But on second thoughts, I thought praying'd be better. So I prayed. To recover miraculously. But I didn't. From Bukit to Singapore in the car, my stomach continued to reject whatever I ate. I threw up five times, I think, in the car. I felt really sick. The feeling of throwing up continuously where you can't stop is horrible. & all she could do was cluck her tongue in disapproval, then say "你看她这样子,今晚怎么去?" to my sister. Honestly, thanks mom.

When we got home at around 11 or 12, my dad told me that what I was going through was a hangover and that I'd recover by tonight and told me not to worry. I slept and I slept but it didn't get better. The nausea went away but I had no appetite and I was feeling rather weak. When my mom checked on me, all she could say was "你看她这样子,真的是hor. 哎哟" in a frustrated tone and she'd keep shaking her head angrily. I wanted to cry but I was too weak to. & all she could say to me was that. Thanks mom.

At around 5, I was suddenly down with fever. Dad said it's alright as long as I don't feel lethargic but I did. It got worse and I went for a jab at like 7 plus. & again, she was full of this and that. She just couldn't give me a break. & she fucking didn't want to drive just because her car was parked in a good spot. I was feeling weak and was down with a high fever and you didn't't want to drive just because you parked your car in a good spot. Seriously, I'd have cursed out loud at you if I had the energy to. But I didn't, so I walked it. When we got there, you had to keep telling the doctor about how I overestimated myself and whatever else crap. I mean c'mon I know it's my fault but it's not that I overestimated myself. It's just that I didn't eat enough to hold that amount of liquor. & was there a need for you to keep reiterating what you said? & repeating whatever I did to the doctor? Sometimes I feel like you're just out to embarrass me. Thanks mom.

I was so sick but all you cared about was your money. You weren't concerned about how I'd feel if I didn't get to go. You were just worried about me wasting your air ticket money. I didn't even hear a single word of encouragement from you or just a warm touch of your hand. All I saw were your cold, frustrated expressions and heard your disparaging remarks about my behavior. & I was sick. Thanks mom.

I won't forget these two days. How you treated me. Neither will I forget how my dad embarrassed me in the plane. Never have I cried on a plane before and he was speaking loud enough for everyone else in the tour group to hear. Thanks man, my parents. You guys are surely the strongest pillars I can have.

In my dreams, probably.

Alright back to Chem, gotta finish History summary after that. I'll do Amath homework tmr after school and Bio Spa worksheet in the morning. Yay settled.

Okay focus! Sajib daebak~!~!♥

Yihui <3

P.S. I prayed for Moks's recovery yday at Ahgirl's church! Hope she gets well soon and will be able to join us in our production! & I prayed very very hard for Maan! I hope God heard me :D Maan deserves to smile happily everyday. She's such a kind soul, I wish the teachers'd show her more love too ): instead of bombarding her with this and that everyday. But it's okay, stay strong baby!♥ Things'll work out somehow!! (:

P.P.S Won't be posting as often as before, unless I feel very bottled up. Need to spend more time studying anw. I shall draw up a plan soon for my Math :D Os ARE COMING~!

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