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2011-07-03, 2:16 a.m.

Playing 'Suddenly' by Kim Bo Kyung, OST of City Hunter. Whenever I hear it, I just have the urge to tear. & I don't know why as I type my eyes are welling up with tears haha this is weird my goodness.

So much to blog about.

For one, midyears are finally over. Had a taxing three weeks cus I had to prepare for them as well so every morning I was awoken by an alarm. I was so tired, I slept from 3plus last night to 5pm this afternoon. I think I'm getting very stressed up oh my gosh I'm tearing for no reason hahaha. Is it the song ._. Oh but City Hunter is a really good drama, I'm so glad Liyun asked us to watch it with her. I'd never have watched it by myself. Yup but anw. My midyears are real screwed but I guess it doesn't really matter to recent happenings.

Yingtian & Yingxiu's mum passed away on the 18th of June. About two weeks ago. When Hongwei told me about it, trust me, my mind literally went blank and I froze staring at my screen. I didn't know what to think and there was a whole rush of mixed feelings. I felt sorry for them, for their loss, but above all I thought "What'd I do if today it was my mother who left." I don't think I could bear that. I don't even know if I'm close to my mother. Am I? Sometimes I think I am but other times, it feels like she's a stranger. Someone around to only chauffeur me to school and pick me up. I could write another essay on my mum and I. But in any case, I'd never met their mum so I was discouraged to go for the wake even though I wanted to, very badly. I think I'll pay my respects to their mum at the end of the year or something. Even though I'd never met her, from what I heard from the other bowlers, she's really lovely. Apparently they were real close to her too. So the loss probably hit them hard. But she told me they were getting used to the fact that she wasn't at home for the last two and a half months but suddenly losing her completely..

Battling cancer for two years, it was a hard journey for everyone. On both of them, on their dad. But I honestly think their mother was very proud of having two great daughters like that. & just having them by her side when she was in treatment eased her pain very much. She may not have won the battle but she fought till the end. Perhaps her only regret was not seeing her two girls walk the aisle with their other half. I really cried when Yingtian said "Its just that I don't know why she just didn't get to enjoy her life you know. All she wanted was to watch us graduate and get married. Attend a church wedding with us that she was not and never ever going to witness. I'm just sad that why is it her? Why must she have such a tough life." I didn't know what to reply. I stared at my phone like how I did when Hongwei first informed me of the news. It's one of those text messages, you can't not reply but you just have no idea how to. I tried to be really encouraging but I don't think I succeeded. It's really quite hard to be strong for her when all I wanna do when I see her smses is cry cus I can totally feel her anguish. That longing and helplessness is really not something that can be fixed by friends. So as much as possible, I try to be there for her. It's amazing how I only got to know her better or rather got closer to her in April but I am so attached to her. It's like we go a long way back. A mere three months and two years gap but she is like half a sister to me. Why something like that had to happen to them.. It's all God's arrangement I guess. Hongwei said he didn't understand too. & he felt that life was really unfair. Their mother was so nice and all. Even I feel that it's unfair, why did something as unfortunate as this have to happen to a pair of ordinary, wonderful girls. Their dad's probably not having it easy either. Hope they are coping well. Yingxiu has Shuang Siang so I'm more worried for Yingtian. Afterrall when you don't have a boyfriend, that's when friends come in. They know their mum'll be up above, along with the stars, somewhere beautiful, watching over them too.

Been wanting to post that since I got the news. But had to prepare for midyears. It was really hard to focus whenever I msged her. Such a sweet girl. It's really my blessing to have gotten to know her. Sigh.

Well then besides that. This isn't as depressing but it's not exactly on a lighter note as well. Alex and Sapph are also as if 恋人未满. They're definitely more than friends but just not reaching the lovers' stage. I always knew that Alex was interested in my sis but Sapph never had the intention to date him. I don't know if it's cus he's 8 months younger or what but when I look at them, there's a tinge of sadness too. Felt quite gooseberry today. I look at Sapph and my heart grows green with envy. I wonder when someone like Alex'd appear in my life too. Always a guardian angel. Sigh.

Family problems also not settled. After my aunt left home and whatnot. Haven't gone to seen her yet. Don't know what to say when we see her too. It is really so saddening to see two sisters turn out like that. As my mother's daughter, I'm afterall only her niece. In such a case, I think it'd be quite awkward if we meet too. Sigh. Daddy & Mummy never really patched up too. It's just that they don't have much chances to quarrel now cus my mum's out of town very often, since Ahyi's left and everything. Sigh.

Just trying to be optimistic about everything now. Trying to be a good support, friend, sister to Yingtian. Trying hard not to fall into the well of depression and disappointment. Trying hard to do well in my studies. Trying hard to be a good daughter, sister. Trying hard to just cherish my life and not take anyone for granted. = trying to not lose my temper at anyone, especially my own mother. I am so liable to losing my temper when I'm with her because she has to come and ask me questions when I'm really shagged or get me to do things for her when all I wanna do is crash. But times when she brings me the bird's nest, I feel so glad I have her around. It's really conflicting :/

Okay I'm ending here, pretty tired after crying. & laughing hard at Alex today. Happy birthday :)

G'night,
Yihui

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