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2011-07-23, 12:49 p.m.

I swear I am going mental. I fucking hate crying in front of people I don't know man. I hate how I cannot control my tears. It's goddamn annoying.

Okay seriously, I know how badly I did for midyears. I. KNOW. I know what I'm going to have to do as well. I don't need a bunch of adults to tell me "Yihui.. You need to buck up.. Need to draw up a timetable.. Need to catch up.." LIKE WHO THE HELL WON'T KNOW THAT. I didn't do well because I didn't study, what else is there to it?! I knew it was a stupid decision to go with my dad for ptm. Stupid. I recall how I used to want to go for Stnicks's mtp and they told us "No, don't come. We only want to speak to your parents." And this time when I so desperately didn't want to go, I had to. I had to go and meet the teachers with my worst results in history with my dad. Somebody just kill me man. The shame was enough to kill me. Like I know I didn't do well OBVIOUSLY IT'S LISTED OUT THERE WHAT. HOW I U-ed EVERYTHING. WHY MUST THEY STILL "Yihui.. You need to work harder okay.." & even then, I never heard anything encouraging from them. No, encouraging is not the word. They don't believe in me. They don't. When I think about what Ms Rockey told me last year when I got back my Prelims paper, I just get so touched and cry. I think I got a 45 or 46 out of a 100. It was Prelims okay, so close to Os alr. After two months of intensive revision with her, I still couldn't pass the Amath paper. I was so disappointed when I saw my marks but she came to me after the lesson and she smiled saying "You improved! Keep it up." I was so stunned cus I thought she'd be very disappointed too. I mean, after two months, I still couldn't pass. It was quite pathetic wasn't it. But she came to me and said she was so proud of me. Glad that I improved. Glad that I didn't give up on myself. Ms Rockey, I really miss you right now. All Cj teachers do is make me wanna give up. No one's believed in me like you did. All they tell me is I need to buck up. Even if I only put in abit of effort, they don't bother to recognise it. & if they think they're encouraging me like that, they're not.

Cheok's sms made me tear in school the other day also. When she told me to cheer up and everything. & said that I'd be the one cheering up the others who didn't do so well and even if I was feeling awful, I'd keep it to myself. I was thinking "When did this girl know me so well." It was only then I realised my sn friends are always with me man. Out of sight doesn't mean out of mind. I was so thankful to her. Like, she totally described me in that two lines. I'd been feeling awful about my results but I couldn't tell it to anyone cus they weren't feeling good about theirs too and even if they did, they wouldn't be able to empathise with me. Which is why I never ever tell anyone my problems. If they are free enough to listen, they won't be able to understand. If they aren't, it's cus they have their own issues too. But Cheok really made me feel sad. It suddenly brought me back to Stnicks when everyone worked hard together. I think Sammy just made me feel worse. Before we got back our hist and math and econs papers, she was like "I'm so worried. I really screwed up my papers." & for all the papers, she got >C. I was so mad at her but I couldn't show it. She really knows how to make someone feel worse. When someone's already not feeling good. I hate her man. But again, she tries to help me. Just that she (& Alex) are so concerned about themselves. It's entirely opposite of Stnicks. Everyone'd want everyone to do well together, & we'd help each other out.

My life is so messed up and full of mistakes. & I can't correct them so I can only live with them. It's so fucked up. If I was born into a rich family, going overseas wouldn't be an issue. I'd be done with this system. Brilliant. Not that this family sucks but if I was born into a rich family, I wouldn't live with this shit man. Coming to Jc was a mistake. Taking this combination was also a mistake. F it all.

OH my dad is the most awesome crap ever. He thought I had a boyfriend. What the fuck? I didn't do well cus I didn't study. I think. I was just sick of studying. After slogging it out for an entire year. Oh that's not including Sec 3. Slogging for two whole straight years. I think maybe the two months break wasn't enough. & I just got tired of studying. Cus my results were so discouraging. I fucking did as well as my sister. Not even better than her. Even a 13'd be good. But no, I'm destined to do as well as her. Even if I mug harder, I'd still do as well as her. Maybe that's one reason I don't wanna do A levels. I want to do a system which she hasn't taken. Then maybe she won't be my limit anymore. & Dad, trust me. I'm better off studying myself. There's nothing to help with when I don't even have my content right.

I'm so tired after crying so much. But I still need to study. & my dad even said to me in the cab "You don't have time to wallow in sadness anymore." Wow, so I don't even have time to cry my misery out anymore. When I've got rubbish classmates and grades. I'm not superhuman you know. I am human too. When'll people stop treating me like I'm lifeless, someone just existing for the sake of it. I know as a student, my priority is to study but. Above all, I AM A FUCKING HUMAN. AND WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING, STOP ACTING AS IF YOU KNOW AND MAKING THINGS WORSE. All you want me to do is pass? No way. That's not even something I want to do. I'm going to pass with As. It's going to be a fucking mountain of work but yeah, I'm going to do it. If I don't even have faith in myself, no one will. This lack of faith, I need to stop it. Entirely. I will do well. Eventually.

Although I wish people like Sammy will be more sensitive and not make me feel worse. How am I supposed to tell you such things. It sounds so stupid. Forget it, just drop it.

Shit I'm so tired after crying for half an hour. I don't know why I'm so depressed and sian nowadays also. Maybe cus Rachel's leaving, I'll miss her. Maybe cus she's leaving, I envy her. I don't know. I wish I could leave too. But my family can't afford it. & I don't have brains like Lihmaan to just get a scholarship like that. Fml. Okay faith, I need to start somewhere.

I don't even have the appetite to eat anymore. Feel like just sleeping. I AM SO DRAINED AFTER CRYING SHIT I HATE THIS FEELING OMG. I cried in school, cried in the cab, cried at home. Wah f. I could drown a city. Sucks man. I just need people to leave me alone and watch me do well. I study better by myself. Without your help. If I'm not looking for you it's obviously because I don't wanna ask you. But I still get help, from my sn friends. & I don't wanna say it cus I don't want to make you feel hurt. So don't even volunteer yourself please. & NO, I HAVE NO DISTRACTIONS. I nearly yelled at you just now. I didn't study because. Yes, I think I just got sick of it. Cus no matter how much I study, I don't produce results.

I think I'm going to sleep. Ugh. So tired.

Yihui

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