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2011-07-29, 11:47 p.m.

Dear diary,

I didn't get captain today. Mel got it. Yijing is vice-cap. I told myself I wasn't hoping but I think I was just lying to myself. Or trying to act humble in front of everyone, never once believing in my own words. Or maybe it was the mere fact that I'd been selected in every year of stnicks for any nominations and elections. Disappointment hit me real hard today in the face. I don't think I was this disappointed even when I got my O level results. Shows how much this means to me? Yeah.

I didn't want to put faith and trust in people. Cus a part of me knew this was coming. Because I trusted their words, her words, I began to hope. & a part of me thought it was so likely when it should've been clear that I shouldn't have had any expectations at all. Because I put my faith in them, I had a vulnerable spot. Disappointment chose that spot, hit bulls-eye and left me in pieces. For that few hours today, I had to forcefully mend myself back with smiles and laughter. When all I felt like doing was just grab my bag, leave, find a corner and cry my heart out. But I couldn't do that, cus it'd reflect badly. It'd seem like I was petty or not practising what I preached. Before the elections we said "Regardless of the results, nothing'll change okay." I couldn't leave, after saying that myself. So with faked and forced smiles, I dragged myself to dinner with them. Though when we were in the train, I was pretty tired by then. After crying so much. I was silent for most of the journey, injecting one of two comments here and there so that they wouldn't say that I was being anti-social. & even then, it wasn't something I could relate to. Half the time I had no idea who they were talking about. So I drifted off to a corner by myself in my mind, listening only occasionally.

On the bus. I couldn't quite believe it. But I cried. My first time crying on a bus. Even when I was drained and exhausted last year, I never cried on the bus. After alighting, while walking home, I recalled the scene of Ms Lioe announcing the names and it was as though someone took a plunge into the ocean in my heart when it wasn't my name. Somehow.. the floodgates opened and while trudging home, the tears fell. I felt abit of my stress escaping when my tears fell non-stop. It's just that I'm very tired now as I type this. Spent another two minutes at my void deck crying, thinking, feeling sad. Crazy as it was, I decided to take the stairs. When my ankle was hurting so badly. Maybe I wanted to use the pain to distract myself. Even I don't know anymore. I climbed 8 storeys with an extremely painful ankle and subsided into my seat in my room, still in tears.

Been crying alot recently. Not good. Especially in front of people. I really hate it when people come and look for me when I just want to be alone. I honestly. Hate it. I don't like it when I cry and people are around unless I'm comfortable with them. People like Girlgirl.. Sherms.. My sn clique. Yijing and Marina only made me feel more burdened and guilty. So thankful for a sister. I didn't know who I could tell. So I whatsapped her. & she, being a sister, said that it was fine and stuff. & told me to look on the bright side. That I didn't have responsibilities and could just contribute whenever I wanted to. Lina too, such an angel. But they all don't get one thing. Not getting captain highlighted to me that right now, it really feels like I am without any strengths. I failed my midyrs badly and now this. What's God trying to tell me? I don't belong here? That I should take it as a sign to leave? Or that I'm just really useless. & somehow.. I feel like I've failed my dad. He's always been so proud of me. Councillor.. etc. Losing this leadership position is more than just losing an election.

I shouldn't have trusted. There's no way anyone'd understand how I feel. & all they do is tell me to talk to them if I need to. One's Captain, the other's Vice-Captain. What am I supposed to say? I mean, I am genuinely happy for them. I did vote them afterall. But because people gave me hope, I am disappointed. There is no freaking way they'd understand this frustration. Except probably Garrett.

Just deleted the Bowling groups. Won't be my responsibility from today onward. Maybe it's time for me to take a break. After four years. I don't know. But in any case I messaged Ms Rockey just now to tell her I wanna continue to improve so that I can be someone she'll be proud of.

Going to bathe. & watch my last episode of City Hunter. & sleep it off. Hopefully tmr, like what Lina said, will be a happy day. Crossing my fingers.

Yihui

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