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2009-01-28, 11:06 p.m.

Okay time for emo post. Lol ><

Just looking back on today, I wonder to myself : How loser can someone get. I not only made things worse, I couldn't do anything to make it better. I am such a failure.

There're so many things which I don't know, but I try to be the smart kid & do things by myself, on my own. How stupid can I get. Like what LihMaan said "There's alot of things you don't know." Yeah, now that I think about it, it doesn't seem like it's 'alot', it's more than alot. I feel so stupid, lol :(

I broke my promise. Many many times. I never stopped to think how the other party'd feel. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have done it so many times, so many till I can't keep count.

I got LihMaan into trouble, though she didn't say anything about it, which made me feel like shit. I know it, I think I did it the other time, but she keeps quiet about it. Because of my ignorance, she keeps getting into trouble.
Esther & Min, even worse. I don't want to probe, but that means I don't know anything about it, which means it's difficult for me to relate anything to do with them. She just told me "You are not a a failure until you give up." For a second, I thought she knew how I was feeling, how rotten I feel right now & what a failure I am. Turns out that she wasn't going to give up to get me to sleep, lol.

I just realised, that I really can't do anything. I'm such a freaking loser. I want to do something, anything, but I don't know what, & where to start. I was trying my best not to cry in front of her just now when she was talking about how loser I was, indirectly, lol. I mean, just talking about Esther can make her eyes well up in tears. & I can do nothing, absolutely nothing to help.

I think I'm breaking my promise to her. I told her I'd be there for her, whenever she needed me, but I really don't think she needs me. Maybe, she needs Esther. Yeah, haha. I'll keep praying, pray that one day, they'll get back together. & then, she'll have Esther, & won't need me anymore.

I'm looking for a way to survive right now. Through the midst of homework, upcoming tests & obstacles, I'm trying to find a path which at least, is able to help others do something, anything. This is when I wonder if I do have any friends to help at all. Noone seems to come to me, lol. Maybe I'm just not that dependable. Even Cheryl said, I can't keep my mouth shut. Thanks :) old habits die hard, I'll have to try hard to get rid of that habit.

Somehow, we change gradually, without even us noticing. & slowly, it results in distance, where we'll no longer look at each other anymore. Though I really hope, that by then, you'll have Esther or Tricia by your side.

I'm going to sleep, really tired.

Loves,
Yihui <3

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