Okay, fuck. I'm really pissed off. Don't get it wrong, I'm pissed with myself.
I thought yday was a really shit day, but today turned out to be worse. FOR SOME REASON. I'm going to study. ALONE. In future. I'm not going to involve anyone. NOT. Freak. This totally sucks. It's so fucked up.
I'm feeling so crapped up now. My tears just came down. Cus Zoey mentioned Xuan. & then. Denise told me. At around. 7. That. At around 5, Xuan came up to the fam lounge. To see me. & I didn't know that. & I told her I was still pissed at her. For no reason. So she asked me where Mok was & I pointed. Then she went there. Then Denise said when she reached the canteen. She was looking very scared. Any idea how rotten & stupid I felt after hearing that. I was so full of guilt. Then when she said bye to me & waved, I didn't wave back either. I don't know why, cus I was acting childish I guess. I was such an. Idiot. For lack of better word. & you know what, she wasn't pissed with me at all. If there's anything that's worse than an imbecile / idiot / retarded fool / insensitive ass, it can probably be used to describe me as well. I felt so. so. so. so. Screwed. Mok & Joan said I was really mean to her. & now that I think of it, they do make sense. Which was why I probably got annoyed with them in the first place.
I cried for 10 minutes just now. I hope I don't cry again. CRIED 3 TIMES IN 3 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE A LOSER. I NEED TO STOP CRYING. Otherwise I'm going to die for my Os' next year.
I really forget who I stay with everyday. So, just to make things easier, I'll stay alone, ALONE. From now on. Zoey said I'm going to lose them. So be it. I'm not going to hurt them again. I wish Mok told me Joan was going to stay with us. I'm not trying to push the blame for today, but I'd stayed with Zoey if she was staying with Joan. But Zoey thinks it's my fault. For being indecisive. For forgetting who I agreed to stay with. So, forget it. Let her think this way. I'm too tired, to tell anyone anything anymore.
Today was so screwed. Denise, Lihmaan, Mok, Zoey, Ker Rui, Shirlyn & esp Shaoxuan. I'd better apologise to them. By tonight. I have so much to say, but there's just too much.
I need someone to tell me how to walk, without tripping others. I need someone to tell me how to avoid knocking into people when I don't see them. I need someone to walk the road with me. But fuck, who?
This post has been really vulgar. Cus I'm so fedup with myself. Going to school tmr. To do work. Hopefully, everything will be fine.
Jiayou everyone <3