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2009-02-13, 10:45 p.m.

Okay, fuck. I'm really pissed off. Don't get it wrong, I'm pissed with myself.

I thought yday was a really shit day, but today turned out to be worse. FOR SOME REASON. I'm going to study. ALONE. In future. I'm not going to involve anyone. NOT. Freak. This totally sucks. It's so fucked up.
I said I'd stay with Mok, not with Joan. Sec3, it's different alr. We can't just stay back together & do nothing like last year. It's work, work & more work. & Mok didn't tell me Joan was staying with us, so I stayed in class first. Then. I don't tell Lihmaan to stay behind with me, but she does, naturally. Then. Zoey is. I dono. Maybe I told her last Friday. Or the week before. But ugh. I'm so irritated, pissed, disgusted at myself. Then to Ker Rui & Shirlyn also. I just left them at the other table like that. I have no idea what days can get worse than these alr. It's like. I'm hurting so many people at once.

I'm feeling so crapped up now. My tears just came down. Cus Zoey mentioned Xuan. & then. Denise told me. At around. 7. That. At around 5, Xuan came up to the fam lounge. To see me. & I didn't know that. & I told her I was still pissed at her. For no reason. So she asked me where Mok was & I pointed. Then she went there. Then Denise said when she reached the canteen. She was looking very scared. Any idea how rotten & stupid I felt after hearing that. I was so full of guilt. Then when she said bye to me & waved, I didn't wave back either. I don't know why, cus I was acting childish I guess. I was such an. Idiot. For lack of better word. & you know what, she wasn't pissed with me at all. If there's anything that's worse than an imbecile / idiot / retarded fool / insensitive ass, it can probably be used to describe me as well. I felt so. so. so. so. Screwed. Mok & Joan said I was really mean to her. & now that I think of it, they do make sense. Which was why I probably got annoyed with them in the first place.

I cried for 10 minutes just now. I hope I don't cry again. CRIED 3 TIMES IN 3 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE A LOSER. I NEED TO STOP CRYING. Otherwise I'm going to die for my Os' next year.

I really forget who I stay with everyday. So, just to make things easier, I'll stay alone, ALONE. From now on. Zoey said I'm going to lose them. So be it. I'm not going to hurt them again. I wish Mok told me Joan was going to stay with us. I'm not trying to push the blame for today, but I'd stayed with Zoey if she was staying with Joan. But Zoey thinks it's my fault. For being indecisive. For forgetting who I agreed to stay with. So, forget it. Let her think this way. I'm too tired, to tell anyone anything anymore.
I just received a msg from Zoey, saying something like she knows I'm not feeling very nice about it & whatnot, & that I can depend on her when I need to. I feel like a loser- I just cried right after I told myself not to. She wants me to depend on her when she doesn't even try to find out what happened before today came. She doesn't know what Mok & I agreed on, but she assumed it was my fault. How the hell, do I depend on her.
Nevermind, she doesn't have to know that. It's enough to have just one person crying. Lol.

Today was so screwed. Denise, Lihmaan, Mok, Zoey, Ker Rui, Shirlyn & esp Shaoxuan. I'd better apologise to them. By tonight. I have so much to say, but there's just too much.

I need someone to tell me how to walk, without tripping others. I need someone to tell me how to avoid knocking into people when I don't see them. I need someone to walk the road with me. But fuck, who?

This post has been really vulgar. Cus I'm so fedup with myself. Going to school tmr. To do work. Hopefully, everything will be fine.

Jiayou everyone <3

Yihui

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