2009-03-14, 1:27 p.m.

Yes, sorry I fell asleep yday, so my post wasn't as long as it was supposed to be. & I'm carrying on now :)

So yep. My friends. I'm glad to say that I have really lovely friends who stand by me no matter what. But it's also the responsibility that comes with it.

Take Lihmaan & Zoey. Zoey gets upset if I stay with Lihmaan. Lihmaan feels neglected if I stay with Zoey. So what the hell am I supposed to do. If there was a way to split myself into two parts and let either piece of me stay with each of them, I'll be only too contented to do it.

When I asked Mok to wish for something if she had a chance to, she said "I'd wish that my dad & my mum never met." Lots of thoughts ran through my mind, each as unclear as the first. Imagine what she must have gone through to want to think of something like that. It's something that most of us won't say; I mean, if you wished that your parents never met, where would you be? Somewhere, but not here. Which means that for her, she'd rather forgo all the happiness she can find in sn & in exchange, not experience all the grief. & well, hopefully she takes everything, One Step At A time :)

When she asked me that in return, I realised that I had no idea at all. Maybe partially because I'm a greedy person, but it was also because I found that I didn't know what I wanted. I couldn't identify that one solution I needed the most because I had mountains of problems. & that question didn't exactly distract me, but I figured that I'd had to think of what I really wanted, to carry on studying. So I took five minutes off and went to the p1 block to think. I thought & I thought, then I knew what I wanted.

If I had a wish, I'd wish that people won't feel hurt over me and that they'd only feel hapiness overflowing within them. If I had a second wish, I'd wish that I had a special ability to make people smile and I'd rather be the only one feeling miserable. Like now, just take Lihmaan, Zoey & I, the three of us feel confused & everything, & life just sucks. Cus I'll have to think of how Zoey'd feel if I do this.. think of how Lihmaan'd feel if I did that.. If people cannot feel pain over what I do, I think I'd be a much more carefree person.

& for me, it's really like. I can't find a single soul to tell how I'm feeling inside. It's really awful, to keep everything inside myself, but yeah, it's just like that. I'd tell Sapph, but she doesn't seem to have time for me. I can't tell Denise now, cus she'll insists that I stay with Lihmaan cus all her two eyes can see is what Lihmaan's doing for me, but come on, everyone's sacrificing a lot for me, which is why I'm in a dilema as to who to be nicer to. But everyone just doesn't get it. Cus they don't see what others do for me, same logic as Denise's eyes. But I can't break down. I don't know why. It's just my personality, I guess, I can never just break down & start crying. Although I admit I did it once in term 1. Yes, in my own room, but I don't know, it's just quite impossible for me. Which makes me feel even worse, cus if I can just break down & cry everything out, it'll probably be better the next day. But it just comes with me to school everyday, getting heavier and heavier by the day.

I don't know, I think I just need a place to let it all out.

& I think I need to brush up on my EQ & how I show my emotions. There's no reason and reason for me to affect everyone else :) so yep, I WILL WORK ON IT :D

Feel so good after posting. Woooooots :)

OH. Lihmaan doesn't understand. Honestly. She keeps expecting me to tell her things, but how does she expect me to tell her when everything is associated to her. She doesn't get it; I need someone who can be there for me, not someone who insists to want to be there for me. I just need to know that there's someone that I can turn to whenever I need her, not someone who wants me to tell her everything whenever I meet setbacks. Ohwell :/


KAYYYY, bye ^^

Yihui <3

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