My day was perfect. Until Ner screwed it up. Or rather, I thought she did. Maybe she didn't; she merely pointed the facts out to me.
I'm very confused right now. Really, confused. I don't know what people expect of me. I don't know how I should act. I don't know what 'sorry' means to me anymore. & more than anything else, I don't know what it means to others when it comes from me anymore.
"2. YOU HAVE BEEN NICER TO EVERYONE EXCEPT ME. AND EVEN CHASE MY AWAY FROM THE TABLE
You know what, I really have no idea, Ner. But I know one thing for sure : I have no best friends. I'll never have, because everyone treats me equally nicely. So what do I do? Of course, I know what I'm Supposed to do, but how am I supposed to do it? I only have that much of time to spend with everyone, so how exactly do you expect me to be nice to everyone? But you don't. You expect me to only be nice to you and the lyns. & what about the rest? & when I'm nice to them, what happens to the lyns?
In the past, I always thought that people who had loads of friends crowding around them was totally cool. But now, I realise that, they're cool because of how they can handle everyone. Not cus of the no. of people crowding around them. That's what make them really cool.
I'm at a loss at what I should do. Ner says that I'm neglecting them, but what else can I do. I'd love to split myself & let each part of myself be with them at one time, but I can't. & everyone gets upset when I don't spend time with them, but has anyone thought in my place before? I just want to be alone sometimes, but I can't. & I still have to make it look as if I'm enjoying spending time with them. It's really exhausting to act as though I am when I'm not. Put simply, a facade is hard to put up, & it's really draining. But it's what I have to put up everyday. Just to make most of the people around me happy. Which I don't mind, but the problem is even with my facade, I can't satisfy everyone. So what else am I supposed to do. I really want someone to tell me. To spare me the agony of thinking, of thinking who I should hurt :/
I'm not complaining, but. Seriously, noone can understand how I feel. No matter how hard they try to. & to me, saying sorry doesn't mean anything anymore. It's just something rhetorical to me now. & I don't think my apologies hold much value now, seeing how often I say them. & it really sucks, to see how I keep hurting people. But sometimes, the selfish part of me want to just tell the person to get lost & tell them to give some peace.
I nearly did that to Ner just now. & I'm so glad I didn't, otherwise our friendship'd probably be screwed. She says I treat everyone better than her, but it's because I really don't feel that she's a very good friend to me. As in, whatever I feel towards her, is plain responsibility. Whatever it is, the time I spent with her, etc, it's plainly because I feel that I have to, otherwise Ner will make noise. In other words, I feel as if I'm being forced, to do something I don't want to. Ner & I aren't exactly close, if you ask me, but Ner says we are. I don't know if that's what she really feels, but it's definitely not what I feel. I hope though, one day I'll really think of her as my best friend.
I feel so crappy now. Totally no mood to do work. But yes, I'll have to. Discipline :/ BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I WANT TO GET EVERYTHING OFF MY MIND FIRST. UGH.
I treat Kerrui as my sister. Will you treat a sister better than a friend? I think that goes without saying right. Kerrui is like my little sister, & she treats me like hers too, just that she calls me Mummy. No big deal -.-
Shirlyn is my friend. I treat her as a friend, but I'll tend to give in to her because she's younger than me. If that's what you mean by 'nicer', then I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can do.
Mok, is purely because there're many things she share with me me and there're lots of things which we share the same view on. I don't exactly treat her nicer, we just spend more time together.
Who else, oh, Lihmaan. If you want to talk about the sec1 orientation camp, then I'm sorry for neglecting you because I'd just got to know Lihmaan then, so I'd naturally want to talk to her more. I'm really sorry about that.
I have no idea what I should do alr. I can't even have a decent holiday. I just hope that by term two starts, I'll be fine & not show whatever I'm feeling. It's difficult, but yes I'll try. I'll also continue to try not to neglect anyone [which is really difficult]. If Ner can't see my efforts, then maybe I'm not trying enough.
Okay. I need to get cracking soon. Going to burn till 6. Hopefully I get loads of things done (:
& I just realised that, we really can't judge a person based on how they look, talk, or laugh. It may well be all put on. Sigh :/
Okay, nights everyone.
Just a random note, to Zoey : I'm really sorry. For anything & everything.
To Lihmaan as well : I'm sorry. I hope everyone had a better day than me :)