2009-03-26, 9:11 p.m.

Wooohooo, can't even remember when was the last time I came on to post ): Miss Rockey was saying "It's Thursday alr?! Doesn't even feel like it!" & I said "It doesn't even feel like it's Term 2 yet." Lol, I guess this proves how hard we're racing against time :/

Tmr's going to be the last day of the week :/ & before we know it, Term 2's gonna be over. But ohwell, I'm not going to think so far ahead. I'm going to concentrate on what I have to do. Now.

I'm so. Lost. Confused. Stuck. Angry. Upset. Happy. Ironic? More than that. But yknow what, that's what I'm really feeling right now. Everything's piling, & piling, & piling, & it's not stopping. I don't think I can see the top anymore; it's too high. The responsibilites & everything, I hate to admit, but it's tough. & I have to be very cautious not to vent my frustration out on anyone, because none of them are to be blamed for it. It's me, my thoughts, that're driving me up the wall. So yeah, what's the best way to get it out. Talk? With who? Yep, I know you volunteered, Mok :) & I appreciate it, thanks. But honestly, I'd prefer not to bother you. Not because I don't see you as my friend, but more like because you are my friend, which is why I don't want to burden you with too many stuff :) you have enough on your hands, you don't have to know mine :)

Talked with Heidi today again. About. Zoey. Lol. & I really really really wish that I'd never have had gotten to know her. That's how bad things are to me. I feel forced, put simply. Talking to her is a chore to me, it's getting on my nerves. But I still have to do it, otherwise she'll become more depressed. & I realised that the reason why we cannot exactly hold a convo is because we're both extremely self-conscious people. We only want to hear our own voices, not listen. But I'm trying to listen, I really am. I'm trying to become a good listener, so that people can trust me. But the thing about Zoey is that she doesn't want you to listen only; she wants you to respond. & what do you respond to "I GOT BACK MY MATH PAPER TODAY. I PASSED. HAHAHA." & I'll reply something like "WOW! CONGRATS! :D" & the reply from her will be something like "Heh, my class only got a few pass lor. I'm one of the passes and tops. Heh(:". Okay, tell me what I'm expected to say after that. I don't know but it's just really not working out between the both of us. For some reason.

Lihmaan too, there's simply nothing to talk about now. Either cus we've talked too much / spent too much time together, or cus of my irritating personality again :/

If I had a choice, I'll definitely DEFINITELY not want to get to know them. I never thought of what I'd have to do with all of them around me. Now that I do, I'd rather them out of my life. Which is, selfish, yes I admit, but it's also getting pretty hard :/ I wonder how long I can keep this up. Not for long, I guess ):

It's really funny how I had many thoughts in my mind this week, & now I'm at a loss for what to post. I guess it's just the stress that's overwhelming me, lol :/ but now, I really think that 'I love you' is bullshit. Like, people say it for the sake of saying it. At least, I do. To certain people. Like Zoey. I don't think it holds any value to me now, it's just a three-word phrase that I have to say to her.

Watched Ep 18 of Ouran just now. Suddenly reminded of Sapph & I, cus of Honey-senpai & Chika-chan. Maybe I'm like Chika-chan, always irritating Sapph, but Sapph never fails to dote on me. Like what she always says on her blog : My sister, no matter how much we annoy or say we annoy each other, we both know how important we are to each other, well at least i hope she knows too. =P
& yep, I DO KNOW. Even though the way we show it is pretty weird, lol.

I'm currently reading this extremely motivational book given by MDIS to my sis as a free gift to motivate them with the title "100 ways to motivate others- Produce INSANE results without driving anyone crazy!" So yep, I hope it's helping to shape me. I feel as if it's helping a little (: & my term two resolution is to not speak ill of anyone, because I'll try to only look at their strengths (:

Well, the one thing I'm trying to do now is not to show what I'm feeling inside to others :) never reveal what's hidden within you. You make people pity you, & that's the last thing I want. Because it's pity first; then it'll gradually become annoyance. Lol :) so yep, no matter how tired, how unhappy, how distressed, how frustrated I am, I'll always have to present myself as a happyhappy girl :) to motivate others. Everything will be kept within the mind & heart, until I step into my room, behind the closed doors. & this is where it'll go into :) don't know if I'll be able to do that though, it's really difficult. Still, I'll try my level best :) && I need to be more observant. Towards everything and everyone.

Okay, I should stop. This is such a depressing post ): I want it to stopppp. Lol, I want everything to stop. :) but it never will. It just gets worse. I'll still keep faith that it'll get better one day though. I'll keep waiting :)

Takecare everyone, don't fall ill!
Hope you had a good first week for Term 2 :)

Yihui <3

Sorry before I sign off, I just have to post it here : I love you & Sorrys are a load of crap. Okay, signing off :)

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