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2009-04-09, 9:53 p.m.

Oh my god. Maybe the legend about the Full Moon thing is really true- the one about it having an effect on your moods when it's a full moon. I was pretty high during assembly, & now I'm. Totally, extremely depressed. & I don't know the reason -.-

I was thinking about lots of things when I was sitting in the red bridge garden. A lot of things which, perhaps, is unnecessary but was just lingering on my mind. About the same old stuff.. My grades.. Zoey.. Lihmaan.. The people around me.. Vmok, Denise & god knows who else. It's like, comparing myself to them, I probably am nothing but a happy kid who has no worries on my mind.

Vmok has issues with Joan & Tricia, & she's worried that the same'll happen with Rebecca. So yeah, I'm hoping I can withstand the amount of pressure [?] and the responsibility. Plus, every single time right, whatever we talk about will always be linked to BECKY. ALWAYS, I'VE NOTICED THIS. Sigh, but ohwell, since she wants to talk about it & talking about it'll make her feel better, I don't mind, lol. Anw I have to learn how to be a good listener (: but at least I know that I can't tell her my troubles now. Not when she has all these stuff on her hands. Besides, everytime I try to tell her, she'll start talking about Becky. So ohwell, I'll just let it be (: anw, I was supposed to have gotten used to this ages ago (:

Then. Sigh. Zoey is. I have no idea what I'm feeling. Confused, perplexed, puzzled, unhappy, disappointed. I guess it's all these, anything & everything except from feeling happy and stuff. Which is kinda ironic, in a way, cus I was the one who'd wished that she'd get out of my life first, yet now I'm thinking this way. Call me childish or immature, I know I am. But what the hell can I do about it. It's what I'm feeling; it's instinctive. I met her at the hall today before assembly while arranging the chairs. & I could just feel that it was different. She was.. cold. Very. Talked to her on msn yday too. It was obvious that things weren't the same anymore. & I'm supposed to be feeling happy cus she was supposedly irritating me, but I'm not. I don't know why. I get a little sad when Nicole talks to me about her. Sigh, don't ask me about the reason. Because even I, don't know. & doubt I ever will. Cus she'll never tell me anything. Never. It's always others who get to know first, & people who're not involved will know too, sooner than me.

Lihmaan is another headache :/ I don't know why I'm thinking so much about it but, sigh. I sometimes wonder if what I'm doing is right. Am I inflicting damage that cannot be reversed on her? I really don't know. Maybe thinking that Denise'd be a much better friend was a mistake. Maybe, but maybe it's not confirmed yet. They may become the best of friends, yet (: I want to talk to her, yet I don't want to keep talking to her. God, why the hell am I like that.

I am such a selfish and inconsiderate ass. I do only what's convenient and comfortable for myself. I never ever spare a thought for others. What they might be going through & stuff. I just realised that. I'm constantly hoping for people to notice how distressed I am & stressed out I am, yet I'm not doing the same for them. How inconsiderate can I get. Plus, just take Denise for instance. I only talk to her when I need her. When I feel like it. When she's available for me to talk to. That's it. Otherwise I find her extremely annoying. Which is, bad. Cus I know how good a friend she is. But certain things she does, I just cannot bring myself to agree and take her side -.- occasionally. No wait, make that most of the time, lol. -.- this, is how selfish I can get. & yknow what, I feel disgusted with myself. I hate myself for thinking this way, for being this way, for acting this way & for knowing yet not doing anything about it. This, is how pissed I am with myself & how much I hate myself.

& I suppose the reason to explain why I'm so nice to Kerrui & Shirlyn is only & purely because I treat them as my younger sisters. Shirlyn, a younger friend. But Kerrui, definitely a younger sister. Which is why I'll always tell myself as the older one, I cannot get angry with them & must always give in to them. So far, they haven't reached my limit yet, but when they do, I really & sincerely hope that I won't lose it :/

I keep thinking of this every single day : I never knew what "being late" meant. Now I know : it means that you don't seize that opportunity in time and has therefore lost the chance to do something for someone somewhere. It really sucks. Everytime I think of this, I think of Zoey -.- I don't know why~

Super depressed today, after Bio test. [It was surprisingly good! Easier than the first!] Went for ld & started crapping with juniors (: thank god for them, lol. But ohwell, I guess the two that makes my day most of the time are Shirlyn & Kerrui (: sigh, I'll probably be like suffering from depression right now if I didn't have them. Hahahha! (:

Ohwell. I don't plan on giving up yet though. Things may get all dull and grey, but fine, I believe the sun'll still have to come out someday (: I'm just hoping that it won't take ages to come out :/

I see one star. Oops, make that Saw* it's goneeeeee. I don't see it from my window anymore ): I think it was just recently that I started telling myself that stars are angels, lol, who're looking from the sky at us (: seeing how we've done for the day, how tired we are, how happy we are, how contented and satisfied we are by the end of the day (: I don't know why I started telling myself that, but seeing stars now is like seeing angels (: to me :D Angels who look at us, who wonder if being a mortal is very challenging. Hahaha (:

Okaaaaay, I'm extremely tired today. For some reason -.- going to bed soon. Gosh ): need to mug tmr alr. Rahhh ): ): very very tired. I think I'm like this everyday ): sigh. Sucks ttm. I need to be, a little more high! :D I'm practically yawning every second of the day. Bleah :/

Okay, nights everyoneeee (: hopefully all of you had a better day / week than me so far (:

With much love,
Yihui <3

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