2009-04-15, 8:51 p.m.

Rahhh, so many things to talk about, so many things to say. Where should I start, lol.

At least, & at last, Ner finally understands how I feel. Spent about half an hour explaining to her about Zoey & I since she says that I never ever tell her anything. She never understood why Zoey & I were so troubled over each other too. But now she knows. Or at least, I hope she knows. Lol.

Just finished dinner with my mum. Started talking about the Campus Superstar 2009, then talked about the school, then linked to jc. As I was saying how I'm still considering my choices, she said "What's there to consider? It still depends on your results. But you should do better than your sis right?" That line, for some reason, touched me deeply. It's as if for once, she's bothering herself over my academics. It's not that the stress doesn't come with it, just that I'm more than happy to hear her say that. Lol (:

&& Shirlyn cried today ): during the Evaluation thingy. Maybe it was some reflection thing, but she started crying ): I don't know why, didn't want to probe too much in case she didn't like it, so I just pretended that I didn't know anything. But I do hope she cheers up! (: It's so depressing to see her upset. Affects me somehow. Shirlyn should always always ALWAYS be happy (: but ohwell, we're all humans afterall, so I guess it does make sense for us to be unhappy once in awhile. Lol (: I just hope that it's not for long though! (: I'll pray for Shirlyn to be happy! (: she probably thinks that if it was Kerrui, I'll be super concerned or something. Lol, but let's just say here that it's not that Shirlyn doesn't matter to me, but rather, I don't want to probe cus I know she wouldn't tell & I don't want to make her awkward. ANYWAY, I LOVE YOU SHIRLYN (: DO CHEER UP! YOU & KERRUI ARE BOTH EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. REALLY! (:

What else.. OH.

I've been thinking alot these days. Okay maybe not just THESE DAYS, but rather everyday. Surprisingly though, I never really think much in the shower. I prefer singing to lift my spirts so that I won't be in a sulky mood when I have dinner with my Mum / parents, lol (: I think.. only when I want to blog. Lol, as a matter of fact. Yeah, hahaha (:

I've been trying to give Lihmaan's email to Denise, but she refuses to accept it. I think someday though, she will, lol. Nothing, just a hunch (: I know that my way of thinking may be stupid, but I can't help feel that I've been such an ass to Lihmaan & that Denise has been so nice. In fact, Denise has been nice to everyone. Some who aren't nice to her [points finger at myself]. Really, it makes one wonder how far her magnanimosity can go, lol.

Lihmaan is. Really someone I won't forget. In my entire life, yeah. I just feel that way. How she sacrificed her time for me & the amount of effort and time taken by her to contribute to this friendship is unbelievable. But now, I'm being my usual selfish self & wishing for us to be good friends again. I don't know how idiotic I can become, but I started distancing myself from her when I noticed that she didn't only hug me. That was when I thought I'd better do something about it. & I can't tell this to anyone at all. So all I can do everyday is to swallow it back & wait for night to come to puke everything out. Sigh, & the only way I could up with was to stay away from her. It did hurt at the begininning. Awfully painful, but I think I survived that, barely (: but of course, noone can tell (: everyone thinks that I don't care, thinks that I'm being mean to her. Since when was I not accustomed to what others said? Lol, to me, these remarks and comments are no more than a reminder to myself about how little people know about me. How little, my FRIENDS, know about me. How they think I can be so indifferent when I ignore a friend who means the world to me. Thank guys, esp Denise & Mok. It just dawned on me that maybe noone really knows me, lol.
Towards her, I really feel guilty, feel disgusted [at myself], feel pain. I'm guilty for treating a lovely friend this way. I feel disgusted at myself for being such a coward. I feel pain because it's searing yet silent. It's a pain which isn't going away, a pain which is probably going to stay with me for awhile. I'm bearing with it, & looks like I'm still managing. But I really don't know when I can hold out till ): one day, the tears will probably just worm their way out & start falling to the ground. While a part of me wishes that noone sees that side of me [I'd be wasting their time], another part of me hopes that someone will be with me while I cry.

Shirlyn, SURPRISINGLY, told me that she cried just now. Surprise, surprise. But I guess such things don't matter to her much, lol. About who knowing she cried, when & where and whatsoever. But her post did make me feel very.. *I don't know how to put it in words* Okay let me quote :

"and they all comforted me and im super touched..." For some reason, I was thinking what if it happened to me. I'll probably never cry in front of Kerrui & Shirlyn though. Never. No matter how depressed or upset I feel, I'll never let them see my face filled with tears. & Shirlyn just said she'd never let me see hers, hahaha :D

Ahh~ Elisa noticed that something was wrong with me also. Like, I get high very easily now. I force myself to laugh at every little thing which is obviously not funny to make myself a little happier. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't. But we figured, maybe it's an unconscious thing in the mind that functions like that. But it's weird. Am I that stressed out and depressed? Without even me realising? I'm starting to feel as if I'm gradually losing myself. As in, I don't know when I'm doing things cus I want to & when I have to, even if I really hate it. I feel so hopeless & helpless sometimes, I just want to forget everything & cry my heart out. Tears just don't come when you want them to though ): which is worse, cus there's really no way for me to release all the stress bottled up in me.

It's.. 9.54. I need to start mugging soon. I really don't know what to do or say, lol. Smiling everyday in school is a norm for me now. Regardless of whether I feel like it or not. I'm posting this with sighs & stuff, but tmr morning, I'll have to paste a smile on my face & enter the class like this '(:', even though the heavy feeling doesn't leave me.

I want to give up. I am on the verge of giving up. When do I give up? But okay, I know my family is rooting for me silently (: in a way or another, they do all they can to show me that they love me (: & I really appreciate that. My friends too, for what they do & say to encourage me, my immense gratitude cannot be expressed through words. I just hope that you guys know how important you are to me (: & thanks for everything.

I don't think I'm giving up on the marathon yet then, lol (: though I still feel as if things are falling apart.
Ring a bell? The song came to my mind when I was in the shower just now :

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart

Okay, guess this is how I'm really feeling right now. Lol. Time to study! (:

I'm going to look up if the thing about laughing about everything is a sign of stress :D

See you all, sec3s & 4s,
Study hard! (:
We can all do it,
All the way! (:

Hoping everyone else had a much better day than my rotten one,

Yihui <3

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