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2009-04-30, 9:46 p.m.

It's funny how everytime I come on, my mind goes blank. But in school, in the shower, wherever I go, I'll have something in mind that I wanna post. There & then.

Suddenly feel as if my life is a contradiction, an irony. Everything doesn't make sense. No, maybe it's just me. No, it's got to be me. It's only me. I am a contradiction. I am an irony.

I swear that I did not see Lihmaan when I went to the Fam lounge today. My eyes were fixed on Zoey, Kerrui & Shirlyn. & I just missed her. I missed Huirou as well, & they were together. But guess what, she'll never know. She'll never ever know that I miss her. Really, really miss her. She probably thinks I don't care, but yeah, that's far from the truth. She probably thinks that our friendship doesn't mean much to me as well, which is untrue. In actual fact, I really wish that I could turn back time & not know her, because I know how much unhappiness I'm causing her. She's been ignoring me, which is kinda obvious, but how do I blame her. Maybe it's her kind of way to stop herself from hating me? Maybe it's how she keeps herself from ranting at me. Maybe, it's how she wants to forget me.

I stayed with Zoey today. I was supposed to cheer her up, but I guess I failed tremendously. I'm making myself so tired. I don't know why. I really feel very, very tired. & I'm not even doing much. Is it cus I'm keeping everything to myself? I have to say so far, so good. I haven't been telling anyone my worries & stuff. But it makes me wonder how long I can go on as well, especially seeing them everyday but refraining myself from going near them again. I don't want to hurt them again. Never. I love them & I want them to be happy. If they're happy without me in their lives, I'll gladly disappear from their world.

I sound so solemn. Sigh. But being with Zoey just now reminded me of me staying with Lihmaan in January to March. Make it Feb, since I started distancing myself from her in March. & I was just thinking how different everything is now. When I went back to KL for cny, she msged me saying she missed me. When I got through the customs, I smsed her & she went to sleep after my sms. Said she couldn't sleep without knowing that I was back in Sg. Now, hahahha, it's so different (: she can do without seeing me for a week (: I'm so glad. I'm pretty relieved now that she has Mok with her. At the very least, I know that Mok won't treat her the way I did. I hope she won't :/ & to her, I really am very apologetic because Esther & Min did this to her as well :/ & now I'm doing it a second time. I feel like a sinner, but what else can I do. I'm at my wits' end alr. I wanna cry, but something's stopping me. I want a way out, but everyone's blocking my paths with the pressure. I think I'm going to break down soon. I don't know how long more I can hold out like this. But yes, I'm not going to wallow in self-pity for long & I'm going to pick myself up. I hope I can.

That's for Lihmaan. Same thing for Zoey. I probably hurt her real deep when I told Heidi to tell her that she was irritating me & I was very frustrated. & now, her attitude towards me is totally different. I can tell. It's really different. It's almost as if she speaks to me in a careless tone, ignoring my surprised expression even when it's pretty evident. It would be a lie to say that I don't feel anything, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I feel that I've been given slightly more freedom now. Cus' I know that her life doesn't revolve around me anymore (: it's what comforts me the most. I am so glad, she thought it through.

Now, what else. Oh, it just dawned on me that we may think that we're doing loads, but we honestly never know how much more people are actually doing. Or rather, you think that you're watching her leave when in actual fact, she fades into the background & waits for you to turn your back to leave, & that's when she turns again to watch your back, to watch you leave. We really don't know many things. Shouldn't keep thinking that we know lots of stuff. We just end up deluding ourselves and becoming more ignorant & foolish.

One more thing I wanna say tonight. Let's say that A & B are a couple. When A initiates a breakup with B even though she's still in love with him, the pain she's going through is so many more times than what B is going through. But B will feel that A is being harsh & heartless, & that is what hurts the most. When the person you love doesn't understand you or misunderstands you, that's when the heart really aches, or breaks. & that's when you realise that noone in this world actually knows you, & you fall into despair. & then you lose hope.

Which makes me wonder- Am I going through that?

I was tearing as I wrote that paragraph, maybe because I read the article on 月娘 & 陈希 today, & it showed how much 月娘 loved 陈希 to the extent of her being able to sacrifice her own happiness for his. She doesn't mind about what'll happen to her; all she knows is that she wants 陈希 to be happy, & so she locks away her feelings for him.

The same for sisters. The show 'Love Concierge' showing on Channel 8 at 5.30pm on weekdays now shows how much the older sister dotes on the younger sister. Even after she finds out that the younger sister has been scheming against her to snatch her boyfriend, she forgives her & loves her more than ever. How she wanted to sacrifice herself for the sister was pretty admirable, I felt.

Ohmygod. It's been such a long post. & depressing post. Lol. Time to stop. I want to sleep. I'm really very tired. Maybe both literally & figuratively. I'm drained out, exhausted. & I'm going to recharge my batteries now. Hopefully it'll be better by tmr (: I always wake up feeling that tmr will be better (:

I need to think more positively. Otherwise I'm going to suffer from depression soon. It's funny how noone thinks that I'm emo. They'll just get the shock of their lives if they see what I blog about. Hahahh (:

Nights everyone,
hopefully those who didn't have a very good day cheer up soon (:

With much loves,
Yihui ♥♥

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