2009-06-25, 11:52 p.m.

Gosh, feels like I haven't blogged in a long time. But it's the holidays, lol.

I am.. Not that screwed, but pretty. I have my Midsummer's Night Dream to finish & memorise lines for the play. & seriously, I have no idea why I joined ld in the first place. I'm not regretting it, but it makes me wonder. I have stage fright. I do, I know it. That's if, I'm going to act. Only. If I'm going up there to dance, I would be only too glad to do so. But seriously, acting? I can't seem to get into character. Actually I can, but it's as if everytime I see myself get into character, I get so disgusted with myself. I have absolutely no idea why & it's getting to my nerves, but I can't stop it. & my heart races everytime I think of Open House, everytime I think of the competition. It's Shu's play, I wanna do my best for her. But I'm scared, scared that I'll fail and not live up to her expectations. It's quite muddling and stuff, but it's just scary. Just at the thought of it. I was trying to nap this afternoon, & I was going to. Until I thought of the play. Or lines. Or the actual day. & my heart started beating so fast, I nearly couldn't breathe properly. I was just very freaked out. & I don't know why. It's not as if it's nearing that day. I just don't understand. But I get so scared.
& there's no one for me to tell.

I'm supposed to go out with my kids tmr. But can I? At the rate I'm going, I'll probably need one more week of holidays to finish up. But again, compared to many others, I don't have that much to do. It's just MSND [Which I am finishing! :D Actually I'm only halfway, but it's good to think positive! :D] & the play. I'll fully focus on the play, I guess. Actually I think I've seen everyone act. In ld, except for me. In sec one, I was the narrator for the graduation play. In sec two, there weren't any productions. It's only in sec three that I'm going to show what I have, & it's probably nothing much. But still, I'll give it my best shot (: Shu said it's not that difficult once you get into character. Because when you do, you're no longer acting in front of an audience, you ARE the character. Just that there're lines. But I think I'll be able to do that. To put myself in the shoes of the character. Though I still haven't been able to figure the motive out. Shit :/

How. How. Otoke :/ Hahaha (: should I go tmr. But I'm afraid I'll disappoint them if I don't go. & I always seem to be bailing on people. ALWAYS. & the reason is unknown to people. It's because I'm scared. Scared of associating with people whom I'm not close to. Frankly, I have nothing to talk about with Kerrui. At least there're stuff to talk about with Shirlyn cus she's more responsive / more things to say. But Kerrui is .. Okay compared to others, she speaks up much more when she's with me. But there's honestly nothing to talk about. Same with Shirlene. I get so freaked out when I'm with them :/ Shirlene & I only talk about Kerrui when we DO talk. AHHHHH I'm getting so irritated here. SHOULD I GO TMR OR NOT ): I'll see. Anw, I can't go if my flu doesn't recover. & judging by the looks of it, I don't think it will.

This holiday has been a.. Rather relaxed one. Didn't do much actually. I spent my first week in Japan. My second week was the "Going out" week. I practically spent my third week rotting. & it's the fourth week now. Which is ending. School's gonna start in.. Another three days. Sadness :/ I haven't done log, but I guess I could do it tmr if I'm not going.. But all my other work is done. Whewwwwww :D but what'll my June holidays be like next year? I don't even dare to imagine. I met Becky for comm meeting last Friday & I was early. I freaking saw her doing her homework there. I was like ._. literally. & they have to write compos for like, 29 lame titles. My compos are shit cus my vocab sucks. How awesome. I'm feeling so demoralised now ):

Zoey smsed me last night. & she added me just now on msn =x [I just realised I forgot to add her.] She said the stress & all was getting to her and she didn't know what to do and that she'd just leave it. It should go away soon. & the most hurting thing was, she said I didn't understand her enough.
When I saw the sentence, I think I said "What the fuck". I THINK. Then I just left my phone alone. Cus I didn't know what to reply. Then after like, I think ten minutes or so, I picked it up again and typed something like "I don't know, you're always giving me that impression. That you're pessimistic. Hahaha." & I don't think anyone knows / noticed this, when my 'Hahaha' ends without a smiley and just with a full-stop, it means that I'm not really Hahaha-ing. SIGH. I dono la. The world is in such a mess.

No. Maybe it's just me. Yeah it probably is. Just me. Lol.

Ohyeah, I decided to use Hyun Joong as my source of motivation. He can sing , dance and act. Maybe I could be like him. I'm not saying that I can sing, but I definitely take pride in my dance. Cus I'm Melissa's student :D:D I still remember my dance classes at her house. It was so freaking awesome. With the other kids. It was my sis, me & them. I forgot all their names, but I still remember the things we did (: we played scissors-paper-stone when we had a break and all of us could split. Hahahah (: I mean, COME ON, we're dancers :D It was a competition to see who couldn't reach a step further than the split could take us. I still remember the place vaguely. It was like a huge hall, but it belonged to us (: I think I started at five, but I stopped at seven because she went to New York. I was quite sad for a period of time, but then I decided to carry on with dance even without her. I tried, I didn't like it. She's still the best teacher I ever had (: Sighhh, memories <3 Gosh, they're like what I have to perform for the play, lol.

I remember loads of other stuff. I was clearing my desk the other day, & I saw this green bottle which's been residing in my little corner for quite a while. I held it in my hands, and the memories came flooding back to me. Every night before sleeping, Auntie Beatrez would take that out to apply on the sole of her foot and other areas which ached. She'd switch on the wall light, sit on the mattress and apply it. I'd stand in the doorway, staring at her with a fixed gaze cus I thought it was really fascinating until I realised that she was applying it because it hurt. I think there was once, I asked if she wanted me to apply it for her & she said no. Ohwell, guess these are what will stay with me for life. Hahaha (:
I was clearing my pile of gifts and letters too. There was this small, pink envelope addressed to her in the pile. I always saw it when I tidied my pile of letters, but I never once opened it to see what was inside. It was scotch-taped quite nicely. But I decided to open it that day. It was in 04', if I didn't remember wrongly, when that letter was written. As I read it, my eyes were welling up in tears. After I was done reading, my tears were dripping to my lap alr. I was always wondering why Auntie Beatrez and I stopped coming into contact, and in my memories it was because she stopped replying to me. But it was only until that day that I realised that it was me. I stopped our flow of letter exchange.
It's been five years since then. She should be sixty-ish if she's still in this world. She stopped sending greeting cards since a couple of years ago. Which made me wondered if it was because she thought that I'd have forgotten about her. But I sincerely hope that if she's still alive, she's well and healthy, living happily with all her grandchildren (: & I would like to add that I'll never forget my Auntie Beatrez (: I hope she never thinks that way. I think of her every other day. Okay make it every other month, but whatever it is, she will never fade in my memories (:

Sigh, it's been a long post. I shall post again. Soon. I hope. I napped for twenty minutes this evening, so maybe I should sleep slightly later tonight. I wanna finish watching mfbbt, finish my MSND chapter, then go to bed. I'll start on my script tmr, I guess. Which means quite definitely, I'm not going anymore.

Listening to the song 'Starlight tears'. Makes me so sad :/

I'll be waiting for you, whatever it is.

Yihui ♥♥

last - next