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2009-07-04, 1:20 p.m.

I know I posted yday, but. I was reminded of one incident when Shirlyn was telling me about how Trini, Chloe and Raphaella bullied Janna. It was quite. Painful. As I recalled the incident. But now that I look back on it, I'm glad that it happened.

Sec one life. I'll never forget it. It was hell coming to school. I hated going to school for that half a year. I knew Sng Ying & Peishan didn't like me alr, but I thick-skinnedly clung on to them. I knew how they bitched about me behind my back, but I feigned ignorance. I knew how Cheok was trying her best to endure me, but I was mean to her. I knew what an asshole I was, but I tried to hide it. & now, I think I can really let go of it.

I lied to Elisa. Yes, I lied to her entire church. I am sorry. I was childish, I admit it, and I am sorry. Call me idiotic, call me juvenile, call me a liar, and I will accept it. I'm still kinda sad though, why Elisa didn't confide in me that she knew that I was lying. Instead of telling Jiaen.

Because you see, when you tell Jiaen things, things usually get worse. USUALLY, not all the time. & yes, I believe I had it coming and that I deserved it. Just not from Jiaen. She made my life hell. It was that half a year, ever since reading her blog post, that made me cry in my room alone, without letting my parents know. I didn't want them to worry, but more than anything else, I didn't want them to know what I had done. I didn't do anything bad, don't get me wrong. What I did was I told Elisa that I could see a boy sitting at the corner of her church room. When I couldn't see one. No it wasn't couldn't, it was didn't. & after that at the miracles place, her pastor and stuff kept asking me about the boy, and I just kept lying. & so, after that, I never ever went to her church again, because I think everyone knew me then, lol. Jiaen thought that I was lying when I said that I had the third eye. But I wasn't. She doesn't understand how it works. Having the third eye doesn't necessarily let you see all the spirits in this world. Some let you see them, some don't. But we still call it having the third eye, cus some people just don't see it at all. I merely lied at that occasion, I swear I didn't at anytime else. If I said I saw something, it means that I did.

So yep. Brilliant Ashley got to know of it, and she flamed me on her blog. My name was up there, HUGE. LEE YIHUI. & it was full of vulgarities, lol. Maybe she thought that I wouldn't report her cus I was afraid to let the teachers know what I had done, but it wasn't the case. I didn't report her for two reasons- Yes, I admit, who would want to let their FT know that their monitor had done such a stupid thing? But the other reason was because of our friendship. I didn't want it to be irreparable. So I bore with it. I held it in. Whatever unhappiness I was going through, I didn't show it. I went to school everyday as if everything was fine when it wasn't. & since Ashley's clique was the "popular kind" in class, everyone followed suit and ignored me. But I was quite lucky, I thought. It was after my monitorial term, so I didn't have to do much concerning the class. I just kept to myself in class, and I remember the recesses. I didn't hide in the toilet, but there was no one to go with. Everytime Tamms locked the class, I'd get out and start walking around aimlessly. I'd go to the playground, go everywhere, except for the canteen. Maybe that was when my habit for not eating during recess developed, but whatever I did, I stayed away from the canteen. Recess was 45 minutes at that time. I really prayed that recess would feel like ten minutes only, cus it really sucked going around by yourself. & after school, I'd rush home. & it felt so comforting, having a space to yourself where you knew that no one in school could harass you. I was happy at home, so in front of my parents, I didn't have to act. I was genuinely glad that I had them at home, by my side. Just that they didn't know about it.

& then, at around September. Or August, there was a Sing to The Dawn play. Mrs Sng made me the scriptwriter, so I basically cut scenes and lines out from the book. & then the time came for casting. Alex wanted to be Dawan, but I didn't feel that she was suitable for it. I was thinking of Elaine, rather. & so because of that, I was flamed on many blogs. Maybe not flamed, but just passing statements like "Yihui is seriously such a bitch." Lol. I didn't see that statement on any blogs, and I hope there weren't any, but I suppose if there were, it would look something lke that. Plus this time I'd offended more people. Rasey, Sherylynn, and so on. Sec one was really hell for me. But I put up with it. Whenever we had practices, no matter how Ashley rolled her eyes at me or shot rude glances towards me, I put up with it.

& then came the following year. Last year at around July. Or August, Sherylynn got damn pissed with me. It didn't hurt as much as this time, though I didn't know what the reason was. It was either because I wasn't that close to Sherylynn, or because I'd alr gone through it once, so the pain didn't seem to hurt that much. But I managed it better in Sec two, cus I had friends with me, who stuck with me from Sec one. Really grateful to you guys :) It was better with people around me. It didn't feel as if school was such a chore anymore. At least for recesses, I wasn't alone. No wait, I wasn't alone anymore. :)

So yep. I think I'm really able to let it go now. I used to say that I wasn't afraid to bring it up again, but actually I was. After all, how proud can it be to have your family or friends know that you're a liar? But this time, I really think I'm able to. Though it hurt when Shirlyn mentioned it yday and my eyes welled up in tears, I think. It's really over now.

So Janna, be strong. & you will be stronger after this. Trini and Chloe are only showing how childish they are. Although it's difficult, don't be too affected by them. When this is over, you'll be much more resilient.

& to Trini and Chloe, I can only pity you. If can only build your happiness on top of others' misery, you are a seriously pathetic soul. What comes after winning Janna? What comes after getting revenge on her? What comes after making her sad and feeling defeated? It's not self-satisfaction; it's showing the entire world how childish you are with handling your emotions. True, Janna may be wrong with her ways and methods, but you're not right either. You know why?
Because bullies are never right. You may think that this is nothing to you, but to Janna, it'll probably stay with her forever, like how it's going to with me.

Okay. I was only angry at Trini and Chloe yday, cus it's like how Ashley treated me. I wouldn't pity Janna, cus I think she had it coming as well. Just that, maybe if they'd handled it a little better, Janna would've learnt as well, without going through this. It's a pity that Ashley didn't do that, lol.

But surprisingly, I wasn't angry at Ashley or anything. I was just very disappointed in her. Disappointed that she had betrayed my trust like that, disappointed that she didn't give a shit about our friendship.

I learnt two things after that incident. One was never to lie again. The second was never to trust Ashley again, because I know that she can never trust me again.

"Love is what ever you can still betray. Betrayal can only happen if you love."

John LeCarre

With that, I don't think Ashley can ever betray me again.

Oh, & I just read this from Mok's blog. This is an extract :

"Really glad to have Jia En as my friend, she's like full of crap please :D It's like, when I'm sad, I just have to be around her and I'll start laughing already :D"

Lol. Well, I'm glad Jiaen still brings joy to some people. I just hope she doesn't do the same thing again. That feeling really sucks.

Okay, it's been a long post. I took an hour to post. It's like 2.25pm alr. Lol! Yay, gonna start work soon :D bubbbbye~~

Muchloves,
Yihui <3

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