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2009-08-14, 10:30 p.m.

I am officially. Pissed. Cus I accidentally pulled my comp, so the plug got loose. & it just. Yes, shut down.

Kay, I'm going to repeat. Uh, what I said just now. Nearly everything, if I can manage it.

I said that. Time was passing way too quickly. It's alr Week 7, & Ms Rockey said during Math today "You have six weeks to your exams. Less than two months. Better start studying now." & I was like. Right. Exams. Right ._. Time is passing so quickly, way too quickly. Too quickly for me to comprehend, too quickly for me to accept. Everything that we thought was so far away seems to be so close now.

Right. Then. Yeah, we had this crying session today. At the Cc. & well, I wouldn't say we cleared all of our troubles, but I'm sure we all confessed some of it and that's probably a fraction of a load off our chests. Lol ._. so yeah. Girlgirl was cus.. She's carrying a burden of helplessness, one that she cannot rid herself of because of her personality. Pros and cons- You name it, she has it. It's very tough on her, but I'm sure the people out there feel comforted that there's someone who knows, who remembers, who cares. So all in all, I'd like to encourage her to not give up and continue helping those who needs her encouragement and support!

Sherms's trouble is that her parents are always comparing her to Shawn. & yes, I absolutely know that feeling cus I go through it too. It's just that her parents compare her to her younger brother and mine compares me to my older sibling. I know it so very well, I'm immune to it alr. It's easy, all you have to do is just to ignore it. Block it out. But well, fortunately for me, I have a wonderful and understanding dad whose completely unlike my mum. He doesn't expect what Sapph can do from me; he doesn't set the same expectations for me; he understands that we are all different- something that my mum doesn't get. & probably will never get.

I can still remember, the day I called my parents to inform them about my PSLE results. I was sooo excited cus personally, I was overjoyed at seeing my aggregate. I initially expected a 19+, but I saw a '221' there and I was totally stunned. So I guess, Happiness = Reality divided by Expectations made me exceptionally happy. I rang my dad up and told him the news and there was this slight hesitation, but he still managed a "Well done, dear." & I think I could hear a smile over the phone. I eagerly dialed my mum's no. after hanging up and told her my results.

Me : Mummy! I got 221!
Mum : Huh? Why so lousy? You didn't do as well as Jiejie ar?

& I was struggling so hard to not let my tears reach the other end of the receiver. I was facing the wall outside the hall so that noone could see my face streaming with tears. All I remember was that. It's still ever so vivid. How the disappointment echoed through her voice no matter how hard she tried to hide it. No wait, I don't even think she bothered hiding it. How nice and very comforting. I was so glad I called my dad first, otherwise I'd think that I was such a failure despite my initial joy.

Actually, speaking of which, I actually have to thank you. I learnt how to ignore non-constructive criticism which will not contribute to the course of my education because of you. I learnt how to keep my troubles and joy from you because I know that you wouldn't celebrate it with me or even empathise. I learnt how to strive for noone but myself because of you. Because you never cared. Because you never saw my efforts, never saw my achievements, never saw my tears, my sweat or my smiles. All that was and is visible to you, is Sapph. I still don't get it, even to this day. Why must you always compare the both of us? Aren't all humans different? How can you compare two subjects of completely different characteristics and background? They might share some similar information, but comparisons should be based on a control. Which is why it's inapplicable to humans, because we're all different. Up till this day, I never got an answer from you. Why must I be as good as her? Why should I need to be like her? Because we're siblings? Because we're both girls? Or because we're both your kids? Exactly what is the reason, I have no idea. I would very much like to know though, so that I can at least understand what the hell is going through your brain. Besides, I don't wanna be like her. Life'd be so boring if I'm an exact replica of her. If that was the case you wanted, why name me Yihui in the first place? You should've just named me after her- Xuanfang, your dearest.

So yes, I'm sorry it got to me in the end. I just don't really get it. Why is my mum like that. & my mum isn't like usual mums. Sometimes I get annoyed. No, it's everytime. There'll be times where I'll be tired, scared, stressed, frustrated when I'm studying. Behind MY closed doors, I start to cry. My mum knocks, but she doesn't wait for a reply. Tell me then, what the hell is the point of knocking on the door? I mean, why bother to knock? Wouldn't it be easier to just enter? I get so irritated. It's not that bad if I'm not crying; but if my eyes are red and I give slight hiccups, she'll ask "What're you doing? Are you crying?" WHEN IT'S SO BLOODY OBVIOUS THAT I AM. Honestly, the fact that MY OWN MOTHER can be so freaking insensitive pisses me off considerably. & then she'd proceed to ask me 'Why' in the very not concerned tone but rather in a very commanding voice, as if ordering me to tell her why. & she'd look very annoyed. Or is it ignorance? She'd have the "What the crap, why're you crying" look. Pardon me for the lack of an adjective- I'm kinda at a loss now.
& I'm positive now that whatever happens, I shouldn't confide in my mother. I get zero advice, I don't feel any concern, I feel embarrassed. All because of her insensitivity. Face it, she never pays much attention whenever I'm trying to tell her something. During dinner, I'll be trying to tell her something that happened in school or perhaps something about my day, but her face'd be full of worry, not on my behalf, but about her business. & that's when I feel totally neglected. Like okay, if you don't care, then I'm not going to waste my time telling you. If I tell her that I'm under loads of stress, she'll say "Stress is derived from yourself. You're only stressed when you give yoursel the stress." & she'll laugh it off or something. As if it's nothing important. Well then, tell me. What's important?

I'm at such a loss. But well yes, anw, thanks Mum. I really learnt much from you. You're a fab mum- You bring me overseas, buy me my breakfast every morning, let me spend any amount of money I want. But has it ever occurred to you that what I want isn't what Sapph wants? All I want you to do for me is to empathise with me, be there for me when I need you to listen, to support and comfort me when I'm crying. I can forgo the trips, I can forgo my breakfasts, but all I'm asking for is that. Are you that busy to even spare me that few minutes when I need you? & really, I think one thing that I'd like to experience is you bringing me to school. Everytime I enter the lift with a mum and a Stnicks girl [Usually], I'll start staring unconsciously. I didn't notice it until awhile ago. It was only awhile ago that I realised that you've never brought me to school. Never, not even once. It was always Auntie Beatrez, Poni, Titin. Even when I was sick and needed to go home early, you'd get the maid to pick me up. If the maid was out washing the car, you'd tell me to wait for the maid to be done. Hello, was it that difficult for you to change and cross the road to pick me up from school? Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if you're really my mum. Because all these things, that're supposed to be done by a mother, have been accomplished by dad. Though I dare bet, you'd probably done it once for Sapph. When we weren't doing so well financially, I guess, when you couldn't afford a maid.

Isn't it unfair then, for Sapph to have experienced it and not me?

Sigh.

Gosh, first time I really post about my mum. Wow. Lol. I'm so awed by the stuff that I wrote myself. Lol -.-

& I freaking cried over Cheok today. My god. As in, when we talked about stuff right, like. Me not seeing Sapph for a month averagely, grades, Eoys, O levels, whatsoever, I'll just tear. But for some reason when we got to Cheok, I KINDA LITERALLY HOWLED. I don't understand why Cheok is affecting me so much. But omg, I don't get it either. I don't know what's the issue, but there's certainly a knot between us. I'm getting irritated by her and vice versa. I don't want to tell Miss P to change my place cus I don't wanna disappoint her. Sigh. Complicated. I don't get it. I'm really scared that our friendship'll be screwed. Sigh :/ but okay, Sapph sent me this super inspiring email which has enlightened me to a deeper understanding towards life. For people's good traits, we learn to appreciate. For people's bad points, we learn to change them. For who Cheok is, I will try my best to accept her. I will try accepting her. If I can't, I'll fake it. I'll put up with it. I will. Masking doesn't get very challenging when you have to do it consistently and constantly. Lol.

Anw, pissed at Juan and Ner today! They freaking studied when we were at Macs today. God, I wanted to kill them.

Kay, I'm damn tired. Cus I cried too much today. LOL. Ahhh, dying to sleep. Have to recover my lost sleep. Hahahha :) Nights! :D

Muchloves,
Yihui <3

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