I am officially extremely pissed with my maid cus she came in when I was in the midst of crying. I alr said "HANG ON" but she just came in. HOW ANNOYING CAN PEOPLE GET EXACTLY. FUCK.
Omg, third time crying today. I feel so useless. I've never cried so much in a day before. Maybe except for the other night when I was msging Lihmaan.
Things seem to have changed so much. Without knowing it, we were drifting apart. More & more. Much as I would like to not measure our friendship by our distance, it is obvious that we're never able to reduce that distance anymore. I think I'm going to write the letter tonight. & just cry my heart out. Without anyone interrupting. I'll lock the door if I have to.
Actually what hurts the most isn't her indifference; it's how she said "Hope I can sail on with you. In times of storms, we'll make sure the vessel don't sink. In times of great weather, we'll bask in the warm sunshine. Even at nights, the stars will be watching over us <33". But look at what's happening now. I want to stab myself. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? I don't get it, why did it happen?
I don't understand why. Why we even stopped talking to each other. That day, I msged her asking "Why you dao me! ):" & I didn't get a reply. I didn't know that was the start to our broken friendship. Yes, broken friendship, I would call it. It was two weeks after that, she smsed me and said "Haven't talked to you in a long time etcetc." I got really pissed off. I wanted to know if it was out of obligation or if she really gave a shit about me. & again, I didn't get a reply. Sometimes I really feel like bursting into tears cus I feel so damn helpless. When you know nothing you do will help, it feels so fucking frustrating. Oh my shit my tears. DAMN. I still don't get the "Why" part. She owes me an explanation. But now, I ask myself "Do I want to hear it?" I don't. I'm afraid. Afraid of what she has to say. Afraid that the problem lies with me. Afraid that even after knowing what's wrong, I can't do anything to salvage it.
I'm a coward. Yes, I am one. I dare not face matters bravely. I used to, with a certain someone. She gave me strength, she let me know how valuable friends are. She let me realised how weak and useless I was by myself. Humans cannot live by themselves, that's why they need friends. & now, I've lost one of my most important friends. I don't know why. & I'm crying again. FUCKKK. I feel so pained. It's hurting so badly, I can't stop my tears.
You were more than a friend to me. You were like this sister my age I could depend on. I shared things with you that I usually share with my sister. I don't know what's going on with you, but I hope you feel worse than me. Right now, I really hate you. For chucking me aside, for treating me as someone you can't see, for breaking your promises. I now see the meaning of "Promises were made to be broken." You let me fully understand that. But yknow what, it's so piercing only because you were the only one I thought wouldn't break your promises to me. The whole world could, including my parents, except for you. Because when I was next to you, I felt important, treasured. Unlike when I'm home, the feeling of being redundant, unappreciated, unwanted. That was how important you were to me.
What else. New found confidence in our friendship? What fucking right do you have to say that when you ditched our friendship? & "A part of me will always be with you?" Stop crapping. Presently, the last person I want to hear "I love you" from is you.
I can't express my disappointment enough. I need to tell someone. But I don't know who I can turn to. There're people I can trust, but they're alr burdened by so many matters, I don't wish to add to their load anymore. That leaves me with- Myself. How fucking wonderful.
I cannot bring myself to trust you anymore. Things'll never be the same again. As much as we try to cover it up, it's probably just a waste of time. It seems to me that you don't even want to know me anymore, lol. Was it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I screw things up when I demanded a reason from her? Everything is so unclear to me, but I know that I don't want a friendship which is sustained by a facade of emotions, feelings, words.
Or was it just my old, stupid, rotten habit acting up again? "Life is like a meteor" was also in your letter. You said that some things cannot be found again after they've been lost. Were you hinting me? I know I tend to not appreciate people. Like really, I KNOW. But I just can't help it sometimes. I feel so mean, annoyed with myself. Pissed for not being able to control my mind. I think it's amazing how you've been able to stand me. But whatever it is, the fact remains that we have ended our friendship.
I think it's safe to pronounce us strangers now. Preserve that chapter of friendship deep in our hearts and move on. From now on, I will treat you as someone I don't know, someone whom I am not familiar with at all. Actually, I may not be far from the truth. I won't forget all the joy and support you gave me. I'll keep it deep within my heart and it'll remain with me for the rest of my life. It will be a learning experience, a stepping stone.
I still have no idea how I managed to survive this week. Bio spa and Math test today. I totally gave up for Math, maybe cus I wasn't used to the fact that someone didn't msg me to encourage me to press on and not give up. I just completely flunked it. Didn't give a shit at all. That's how bad it was. & pretending not to see you whenever I walk past you has been an extreme torture. It'd be easy though, to not say hi to a stranger. But I don't have the faith to do that, to forget your identity in my eyes. Again, I'm emphasising your importance to me and once again, let me be sarcarstic and thank you for treating me like scrap in these two weeks. You've been really cruel. Thanks. I've gained an insight too, thanks to you.
All in all, I am amazed at myself and you! I actually managed to live through this week without crying on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Yes I cried today, bleah. Didn't mean for it though, it just came falling. Like London Bridge. Also amazed at you, for being hard enough to force me out of your world. You've never failed to impress me, truly.
Thanks Lihmaan, it's been nice knowing you.