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2010-05-01, 1:22 a.m.

Okay awesome shit. My comp restarted after an hour for updates and my few paragraphs are gone -.-

So anw I was saying.

Felt kinda crap these days. It was pretty tiring to pretend that everything was fine when I wasn't. It was even worse when I had to smile when I was feeling totally upset and bear with Veron's headaches. The smile plastered on my face felt so artificial. Really, I felt quite bad. But I couldn't help it.

So yes anw. Veron's been annoying me quite a bit these days cus of her headaches and stuff. Always, always so tempted to tell her to get lost, fuck off. I've been getting them too but I keep them to myself. But unfortunately as the welfare councillor of the class I cannot tell them to shut up. So yes, I have to endure with the constant laments about the headaches. Even when I'm tired and groggy, I cannot show it. Just because.

Today was the worst day for this hell week. & I am glad yet not glad that it is over. I went to Christine's class to look at her board that the kids made for her and yeah, we were discussing about them. & she had to say so damn loudly that Kerrui & I were very close. & Maan totally didn't make it better when she came over and she said "Don't touch me." Thanks, seriously. & yeah Christine had to make it worse by asking her "Eh Yihui and Kerrui very close right." & the worst of the worst was Maan going "Uh yeah." with that "Obviously" look. I totally appreciated that. Totally. I was so tempted to just burst out crying there and then. I realised I couldn't cus I had oral afterwards and so I excused myself before I had the chance to unleash my emotions. It later dawned on me that they probably wouldn't care as well, even if I did cry there and then.

At least, I now know that I can't depend on her anymore. Since she thinks that I'm oh-so-close to Kerrui. Honestly, Kerrui is not someone I can rely on. Half the time, she's relying on me. You do not expect me to find strength from Kerrui's words. I mean they do help, just maybe not as much as what Maan's can do. The person I'd much rather know better and be closer to is you but you're denying me that chance. I hate you, but yes I love you. But after today, I really have no idea what the fuck to say. The way you said "Don't touch me" with disgust in your eyes was so hurting. That was nice of you, to say something so hurtful when I'm alr having a hard time.

I could be hiding it well but still, it's kinda hard I guess, to just forget about what you said today. I honestly didn't need you to agree with Christine even if it was the case. & in the first place, it's not. Kerrui hardly knows me. No one's really close to me anw, besides you. So, thanks. I really appreciate it. Your sarcarsm and disgust, it reached me.

Leaving early in the morning tmr. Will be going up to KL on Sunday instead. Dad's applied for no-paid leave, so he'll probably be staying there for awhile. Looks like I'll have to cope abit by myself for now.

It's 1st May, wow. How time flies. I remember it was around this time when we kinda became distant? Lol I can't believe I could write nice things on her birthday post-it when I'm really feeling this much resentment in me. At the very least, you could've just said something encouraging. Thanks once again for not doing that. It so helped.

I am tired. Yes, I am. Very. Chinese Prelims yday, Chinese Prelims Oral today and three tests. I am very very drained. Yet at this point in time, I cannot hope for anyone to say something encouraging to me. It's always me encouraging others, never the other way round. Except for Lihmaan. Brilliant -.-

I am tired, I am. But I haven't even packed. Sigh, life is so full of contradictions. Oh yes by the way, did I mention? I hope my Grandma recovers soon. Apparently if she lives past this year she'll live for another twenty years or so. If she doesn't, then I guess it's time for her to leave. Not that I feel any particular attachment to her. Neither do I feel any particular attachment to my maternal grandmother. Both it seems, don't really dote on me. So it doesn't make a difference, lol.

My life, everything, is fucked up. I keep offending people and turning them off. Yeah, it's retribution.

I am tired. G'night.

I will bury my hate for you deep inside. & I pray that it will disappear one day, without me knowing.

Yihui

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