2010-05-15, 12:11 a.m.

Finally. After a week of disgusting lessons and rehearsals, I get a two-day break. Which doesn't really count as one. I have rehearsal tmr. Then come home and study. Going out on Sunday with Nicole they all. So.. & the whole week next week is PACKED with rehearsals. Sigh ):

Bonamana is totally growing on me. I can feel myself getting addicted to that song. But somehow, Sorry Sorry, It's You, Why I Like You and so many other songs from Third album still feel the best. Guess the two members do make a difference, even if it's a little. I still love Love Disease. Totally (:

Okay many many things to blog about tonight. Felt very mood-swingy this week cus I didn't get enough sleep I think. Mom's been feeding me with bird nest three days consecutively ever since she came back and she said I'll drink it everyday now to replenish my energy. Well not that I mind but bird nest is expensive, lol. Ah well anw, so yeah. With lit test and chem test, it's been quite mad. It took me much courage before I could approach Maan on Monday to ask her for her mockingbird book :x sigh. I deliberated outside the classroom for like 10 minutes with Denise. Lol. & she finally told me her password for her diary. God -.- fibonacci numbers. What the fuck please.

So yes anw. She told me. Plenty of things that. I don't know whether it's good or bad that I now know. Apparently last year.. yeah. Last year. I hurt Maan very badly (?) and I was so concerned with my own troubles I didn't notice hers. I didn't notice when she needed me the most too. I don't know what was her real intention of telling me these but it certainly made me very distracted. For that entire day, I couldn't concentrate on lessons because of what she told me. & for the following days, I felt very sorry when Maan smsed me. Like I don't deserve the right to talk to her after what I did to her. Apparently um, I was busy taking care and paying attention to Kerrui when she needed someone to pay attention to her >< I felt really, so so bad after I heard it. If I wasn't in front of Denise, I'd have broken down and cried alr. & I didn't even notice anything last year. Like we were still normal (?) and yeah. I was so stunned when I heard it from Denise. & what Denise always likes to tell me, something like she was in the canteen with Maan and then Maan hugged her very very tightly and couldn't stop crying. I felt terrible when I heard this but I had to pretend I was nonchalent and thankful that she was there for Maan. I have to keep this pretence of her "sharing my burden with me" thing up. & it's getting really tiring. I wonder how long I have to keep pretending that I appreciate her presence. I mean I do but really she turns me off most of the time. I mean, c'mon you're not the only one who spends time with me, teaching me math. So many others do. Ness, Flower, Sarah, Han'er, but you're always the only one asking for me to reciprocate. I don't know if it's on purpose or you're just kidding when you ask me for stuff and you go "I'm not going to teach you Math anymore next time!" when I refuse you, but I just wanna say that you're getting on my nerves. Especially so after you told me about Maan. Hahaha and I still can't believe that you have a crush on Maan. Had, and have (: Gosh, quite unbelievable.

I really wish I could tell myself that I'm not losing you too, but the distance between us is just growing so huge. I still remember what I told you last year (Omg it's 12:34am now, random :D). I said you're not losing me when I was spending more time with other people. Looking back, I feel very sorry to you >< & now, I wonder if you could and would tell me the same thing? That I'm not losing you and that we're still the same. "True friends are not about being inseparable. It's about being separated and nothing changes." Is it like that for us? I hate this feeling. I feel so lost. It's like I don't understand you and, I don't know when you need me and when I'm making a nuisance of myself. If only there could be some kind of special ability that could let me penetrate your mind and let me read what you were thinking, maybe I wouldn't be having such a hard time now. You're probably the only one whom I owe the most apologies to and who deserves the most thanks from me. Whenever I was going through a pinch earlier this year, I'd call you and cry over the phone. Cus just listening to your voice was so awesome. Your voice sort of told me that I was never alone. But again, there's that other side of you which can sound so very cold. How can someone be so different in school and over the phone? I don't know. & I want to say sorry for all the stupid things that I did last year without realising. I really, never realised how fragile you were inside. But maybe because of that, you grew and matured :) maybe, it was a blessing in disguise. I don't know. But I really feel very sorry towards you. I've never been there for you, not even once. Feel very useless. Technically I've never done anything for anyone before, which is why I was trying to go celebrate Cheok's birthday with her next week but now it's packed with rehearsals. Sigh :/

To my baby :
Words here are words that I don't know how to convey to you. I cannot write it down and give it to you, neither can I say it to you in your face. I don't know what else I can do for you besides praying silently for you everyday. I prayed at the temple for you to every deity, praying that they'll protect you from harm and keep you healthy. I prayed when I went to Girlgirl's church for you to be cheerful and happy everyday. Besides looking at you silently from the third level, I don't know how else to face you. Sometimes I can see your lethargic expression from my view, sometimes I can feel it even if you're sitting upright in class and copying notes. I know you're going through much now even though I have no idea what they are. Stress and whatsoever. Whatever they may be, I hope you can stay strong, find strength from wherever you can, and persevere. You are a very special person to me and I hope for you to be happy. Don't always hurt by yourself. You're special but you don't want people to see you as a special individual. You're awesome but you're humble about it. What else is there about you that I don't know? I feel as if there are hills and mountains of information concerning you which is unknown to me. & what sucks more is that I get the feeling that Denise knows them better than me. Which totally does not help things. I stare at the star on my ceiling before I sleep every night. It tells me that tmr will be better and reminds me that you're always next to me. Like I said, I will try to remember that you live in my heart. & if I can fully believe in that, I don't think any obstacles will be able to hold me back.

Okay long post! Time to end and sleep! Haven't seen dad in a couple of weeks, hope he's getting on fine! Mama's making a slow recovery but at least she's recovering so I'm glad :) & on a brighter note, fourth album looks completely brilliant and promising! I'm looking forward to their promotions! First live comeback stage today and they did a wonderful, fantastic job!! Wooooooooh! They're totally gonna pwn 2010, Asia and (hopefully) World! Although they must all be hurting inside, especially Leeteuk and Heechul, but they're hanging in there and giving it their best. So I should, too.

Bedtime, goodnight loves.

I love you, Maan <3

Yihui <3

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