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2011-11-17, 2:16 a.m.

There're so many things I want to say, I don't even know what to start with.

Define family. That was what we started with for this year in gp. I thought for a very long time before I came up with my definition. I thought family didn't have to be blood-related. Didn't have to be living under the same roof. As long as there is love and you're comfortable with one another, it's family. If I go according to my definition, I have no family. My family's in such a mess, I don't know whether there's any love left between my parents. I don't even know how they got together in the first place. Maybe getting together was a mistake for them. For both of them. Watching Fated To Love You again at this point in time makes me realise lots of things are really pre-destined. Also, fate likes making fun of people. Today on facebook, a quote caught my attention. "我不明白為什麼命運要讓兩個不可能在一起的人相遇。" I thought it reflected my thoughts exactly. Sometimes I think I'm a burden too. Always fighting over who pays my travel fare. They shouldn't have given birth to me, really.

This year has been an absolutely horrible one. Sapph and I've been talking so much about them this year, feels like we got closer again too lol. & the irony is that we look like we have a picture perfect family. I don't know man, I never thought I'd be entangled in something called family problems too. I used to think I had the best family ever. I don't anymore. People change. I don't know who changed. My dad, my mom, both of them, or everyone around them. This whole tension, I need it to disappear. I would've sent in my application a long time ago if not for my mom. Cried so badly the Saturday before the last. I was so freaked out by my mom. I've seen her cry but I guess at that time when I was still young, all I thought was people cried when they got shouted at. Now that I'm 17, my mom's tears tell me she's been strong for too long. When I saw her collapse, I saw her kneel on the floor, saw her abuse herself, saw her bite my dad, I didn't know what to think anymore. Went to Malaysia for a week and the bite mark was still on my dad's arm. It was truly a rude awakening on that Saturday, when I found out what my dad did twenty over years ago. Ashamed, yes. The dad I've been proud all my life did something like that. I know it's human to err but I respect him too much. Somehow, I couldn't accept his mistake. Now when I look at him, I feel so fake. Towards my own father. I don't want to be a terrible human like that man, but I don't know how not to. Somebody, teach me please.

Okay finally blogged what I wanted to since a long time ago. Whew. Okay time to sleep. Gotta wake up at 830 tmr.

Nights world,
Yihui

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