2014-01-29, 10:07 p.m.

Wow these two days were the longest days I've ever experienced I think. Just felt so drained and gone. And helpless.

Penning down, metaphorically speaking, my thoughts here that I couldn't speak aloud. Hmm and I don't even know where to start. It's been a bit of a war zone at home these two days, what with 2013 passing in the blink of an eye and us having to coordinate transport to return to Malaysia again. All hell broke loose when our plans included borrowing mom's car and it wasn't a pretty sight. Of course in every fight, they'd have to bring up old scores. And so we tried fixing things on Monday night, or rather Tuesday morning. Talked from 1:30am to 5am. Tried to mend the broken pieces and start to let old wounds heal. Didn't go all that well. And so she entered this partial self-destruct state the following day and it drained everyone out. Don't recall crying so badly in a long time sigh. I cried so much on the first day, I had a throbbing headache at 5am and it kept me up for a while longer. Had school at 10 the next day and in the car, she had to say other things that got me crying again. That was pretty painful. But when I got home last night, that one took the cake home.. My heart broke so badly when she criticized me for how I treated my gran. And how she felt left out all these years. And also how she went all suicidal on us. That's pretty much everything. Was utterly drained these two days. Beyond exhausted. Crying really seeps stamina haha.

So anyway what next. I'm spending CNY alone for the first time in my life and my sis will be driving down to bukit tomorrow after praying to spend 30th with my maternal side. I don't think my mom really wanted me there and if I had to pick, I'd choose to stay at KL but that would upset her so I'd rather not do that. Therefore the best decision seemed to be to remain where I am and thus I am still here haha. Plenty of work to catch up with too. Might not be a bad thing. Just somehow, this house feels pretty empty. Actually I can't really tell if it's the house or just me. But anyway yep, happy cny to me.

And to all of you out there, I hope yours will be a better one than mine :)

Still saying my thanks for all that I have. It may not be perfect but it's something. And I do and will cherish it with all my heart. Am blessed with a sister who takes the lead in (almost) everything and so all I have to do is to place my faith in her and follow. Blessed with a father who takes pride in my maturity and just me in essence. Blessed with a mother who may not understand me all that well but still loves me in her own way. I choose to believe that despite everything.

Love you too mom, I wish you knew.


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