It's been a long day. Not in the most literal sense but it feels long enough. People say it's okay to make mistakes and to not be okay on certain days. I made one today and I'm not feeling okay right now. People usually turn to their mothers when that happens but what if it's my mother who makes me feel this way. What do I do then..?
In these 21 years, she's given me more than what a starving child in Africa could have asked for. She's clothed me, fed me, probably nothing short of what an unknowing stranger can observe. But in these 21 years of life, I've learnt how to tread around her. Or at least I thought I did. The first off the handbook- make no mistake. Because my mom never makes any mistake. Maybe the only one she made was to have me. People say cherish your mother cus you'll only have that one and only. I wish someone could tell me how to do that when she makes me feel this dispensable in her life.
Number two. Don't expect. I truly thought I'd mastered that by now. I know the logic, the theory. But execution comes across as feeble in the moment of exchange. Even though I tell myself not to expect, a part of me still clings on to hope that she would say it's okay for once. She never says that. I'm not sure if she ever will.
Not sure why I'm so stung by what she said. I mean, it really wasn't anything that I didn't expect. Everything she said was within my expectations. It was exactly how I'd pictured it. I don't understand why I couldn't help my tears. It frustrates me so badly but I couldn't explain myself either. I've never felt smaller in front of anyone, so worthless. She's never said or made me feel that she's proud that I'm her daughter and somehow the only memories I have of her are those where I'm redundant or useless. She makes me doubt my worth all the time.. I don't know how long I can keep this up for.
I'll keep telling myself it's okay though. Hopefully I can stick it out to the day I get to hear her say that.
I'll be okay tomorrow.